"It's a big step for greater accountability on the part of both agents and the luscious young temptresses that help them stay sharp during the long hours they spend keeping bars and brothels secure in nations American officials plan to visit," a spokesman for the agency said. "The whole Cartegena deal happened because two prostitutes were using the same name—Isabella Boom Boom—and one of our eagle-eyed agents thought he was being double-billed. From now on, all foreign prostitutes will be given the code name of an American movie star as soon as their services are contracted.
"First class hookers will be given the identity of a major American hottie. When one of our agents says he just signed Angelina Jolie to a three-picture deal, we'll know that there's sequel action for our other operatives. If he's says he's just gotten a great shot of Cameron Diaz on the carpet, other agents will know the girl doesn't object to being photographed in the act.
"Likewise, streetwalkers that are merely serviceable will get code names that indicate specific types. A prostitute that needs a bath before you touch her is a Snooki. An older lady that's still got it goin' on is a Sharon Stone. A hooker that's way overpriced is a Kardashian.
"Cautions and alerts are built into any agency-approved communications. If an agent finds himself in an emergency situation, such as all the areas of interest on his prostitute plummeting towards the floor the minute she takes off her bra and/or underwear, he can sing out that he's with an Oprah or a Kirstie Alley. Underage is a Miley. In the direst of circumstances, i.e., the agent discovers he's with a transvestite or transsexual, he's got a Tom Cruise on his hands. If it's a completely washed-up cross-dresser, it's a Paulie Shore.
"Now that this system is in place, unfortunate situations like the one that developed at the OAS conference will be avoided. When Secret Service agents go forth to protect out President in the future, we'll know exactly who's been polishing their weapons, if you know what I mean."