“On June 14, 1946, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, ‘I need a caretaker.’ So God gave us Trump.” (Excerpted from a YouTube video reposted by Trump on Truth Social)
I knew I’d be hearing from the Almighty about this video as soon as I read about it. Sure enough, He pulled up in my condo’s driveway, wheels squealing. This time He was driving a monstrous Cadillac Escalade. (Our HOA had put up NO CHARIOT PARKING signs, due to someone complaining about the Heavenly Horses pooping on the pavement, and even He apparently saw the wisdom of not messing with the HOA.)
I could tell He was mad. “Nice ride,” I said, hoping to calm Him down.
“Yep,” He said, grimly. “Perfect for fitting 15 preschoolers in. And then pushing it over a cliff.”
“Let’s not go there. That killing all the first-born thing. I thought You said You were giving that up.”
“I did, didn’t I? And the flooding—I swore off that, too, but when I heard about Trump claiming I personally designed him to save America, I looked down here and My first thought was that the place could use another good hosing down.”
He was an angry God, that was for sure. He had even neglected his grooming. His magnificent head of white hair needed brushing, and there were bits of manna stuck between His teeth. I figured He had gotten the Trump news right after breakfast. I tried placating Him. “Don’t You, in fact, make everybody?”
“Technically, yes, but I don’t get buried in the details. Trump’s conception was particularly grisly. Fred and Mary were celebrating kicking their last black tenant out of one of their buildings with shots of schnapps. The sex was more or less accidental, also clumsy and unsatisfying, particularly for Mary. Nine months later, a sniveling sack of self-important shit was born. I should have given the little wretch polio while it was still available.”
“What I’m taking from this is that You don’t personally make anybody.”
“Mostly, no. Well, I did make Gal Godot."
“Gal Godot? Why her?”
“Mostly for My Son. After 2,000 years, you have to figure He’s tired of Mary Magdalene. I certainly am, and not just because she ends every sentence with her signature phrase, ‘and shit.’ The Prince of Heaven deserves another nice, hot, Jewish girl. It’s My small way of saying “Sorry,” for the whole Crucifixion deal.”
“She certainly has a better body than Trump.”
“Every hippo in the African swamps has a better body than Trump. That’s no accident.”
“But You let him become President.”
‘Hell, I believed all the polls about Hillary winning, just like everybody else. Am I going to let it happen again? Probably not, but America has been so blessed by Me. You’ve got the best porn, the best weed and the fastest Internet. Do you deserve Round Two of the worst President?”
“Well, do we?”
“Ask your Magic 8-Ball. Why do you think I invented it? Adios.”
He left in what I thought was a considerably calmer mood, even stopping to check both ways before He backed out onto the street. He didn’t want to send anybody accidentally into Heaven, I expect. So, I’m not foreseeing any plagues, locusts or terrible swift swords as a result of the Trump video. But, I wouldn’t re-post it.
Just to be on the safe side.
I knew I’d be hearing from the Almighty about this video as soon as I read about it. Sure enough, He pulled up in my condo’s driveway, wheels squealing. This time He was driving a monstrous Cadillac Escalade. (Our HOA had put up NO CHARIOT PARKING signs, due to someone complaining about the Heavenly Horses pooping on the pavement, and even He apparently saw the wisdom of not messing with the HOA.)
I could tell He was mad. “Nice ride,” I said, hoping to calm Him down.
“Yep,” He said, grimly. “Perfect for fitting 15 preschoolers in. And then pushing it over a cliff.”
“Let’s not go there. That killing all the first-born thing. I thought You said You were giving that up.”
“I did, didn’t I? And the flooding—I swore off that, too, but when I heard about Trump claiming I personally designed him to save America, I looked down here and My first thought was that the place could use another good hosing down.”
He was an angry God, that was for sure. He had even neglected his grooming. His magnificent head of white hair needed brushing, and there were bits of manna stuck between His teeth. I figured He had gotten the Trump news right after breakfast. I tried placating Him. “Don’t You, in fact, make everybody?”
“Technically, yes, but I don’t get buried in the details. Trump’s conception was particularly grisly. Fred and Mary were celebrating kicking their last black tenant out of one of their buildings with shots of schnapps. The sex was more or less accidental, also clumsy and unsatisfying, particularly for Mary. Nine months later, a sniveling sack of self-important shit was born. I should have given the little wretch polio while it was still available.”
“What I’m taking from this is that You don’t personally make anybody.”
“Mostly, no. Well, I did make Gal Godot."
“Gal Godot? Why her?”
“Mostly for My Son. After 2,000 years, you have to figure He’s tired of Mary Magdalene. I certainly am, and not just because she ends every sentence with her signature phrase, ‘and shit.’ The Prince of Heaven deserves another nice, hot, Jewish girl. It’s My small way of saying “Sorry,” for the whole Crucifixion deal.”
“She certainly has a better body than Trump.”
“Every hippo in the African swamps has a better body than Trump. That’s no accident.”
“But You let him become President.”
‘Hell, I believed all the polls about Hillary winning, just like everybody else. Am I going to let it happen again? Probably not, but America has been so blessed by Me. You’ve got the best porn, the best weed and the fastest Internet. Do you deserve Round Two of the worst President?”
“Well, do we?”
“Ask your Magic 8-Ball. Why do you think I invented it? Adios.”
He left in what I thought was a considerably calmer mood, even stopping to check both ways before He backed out onto the street. He didn’t want to send anybody accidentally into Heaven, I expect. So, I’m not foreseeing any plagues, locusts or terrible swift swords as a result of the Trump video. But, I wouldn’t re-post it.
Just to be on the safe side.
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