Debbie Piscitella, a 46-year old Florida woman, was recently arrested for choking out a 14-year old boy who had been bullying her daughter on Facebook. The boy was confronted when Debbie and her daughter ran into him at the local mall and asked that he cease the aforementioned bullying.
The bully replied with something along the lines of "Make me," which, to any reasonably protective parent, sounds exactly like "Choke me out."
The little jerk was not injured except for some "red spots visible on his neck."
The choking mom was arrested, in spite of the fact that she had complained about the bullying to both her daughter's school and the police, who told her nothing could be done. She was last seen on America Today, advising other parents not to follow her example and instead monitor their kid's use of Facebook.
This may be the right thing to say in view of your upcoming trial, Debbie, but you know it's also wussing out. The world needs the strong sense of justice and the powerful hands of Choking Moms, now more than ever.
There's nothing you need apologize for, Debbie. I encourage you to form an International Choking Mom Task Force, an alliance of powerful beings like the Avengers or the X-Men, equipped with a fantastic airplane so they can swoop to any spot in the globe to choke out bullying wherever it occurs.
There are plenty of people who deserve the kind of red spots-on-the-neck raw vigilante justice that only Choking Moms are capable of delivering. Vladimir Putin needs to wake up in the morning with the crimson blotches of Choking Mom righteousness on his pale throat and start thinking "Maybe I shouldn't steal every election I hold."
Or that French guy who was in charge of all the world's cash, before he got caught having rough sex with hotel maids and organizing whore parties. "Zut alors!" he would exclaim, upon examining his lightly bruised esophagus. "It would be more dignified to keep my zipper shut from now on."
The International Choking Moms could hit Hollywood hard. Mel Gibson would bear the stigmata of their grip on his throat and Steven Seagal would have to change from black pajamas to a black turtleneck so the paparazzi couldn't get pics of him with the red spots of remonstration on his windpipe.
The Choking Moms might have to visit Rush Limbaugh's studio every day, until he finally breaks down on air and confesses, "I'm a four-time married drug addict who gobbles Viagra like a gigantic endangered blue whale sucks up krill. Nearly as fat as one of those, too. Who am I to call anyone a slut?"
If a Choking Moms had put a maternal stranglehold on Mitt Romney after he bullied an allegedly gay classmate in high school, maybe he would have thought, "Man, I am a spoiled little ass. The country would be better off if I never became President."
When the Choking Moms catch the Mama Grizzlies drawing gun sights on their political opponents again, it's going to be the mother of all maternal smackdowns.
The Chinese Choking Moms would be an entire auxiliary operation, both because of the size of their population and the language barrier, but when they get organized, government thugs who beat up blind men will be wearing their Chairman Mao collars a little bit higher, if you know what I mean.
The list goes on and on. Probably the Choking Moms should coat their hands with indelible red ink, so the crimson spots of shame would permanently scar the necks of the world's bullies. After a few years, I guarantee thugs and megalomaniacs all over the planet will back down when they hear these chilling words:
"WE'RE GOING TO TELL OUR MOMS ON YOU!"
The bully replied with something along the lines of "Make me," which, to any reasonably protective parent, sounds exactly like "Choke me out."
The little jerk was not injured except for some "red spots visible on his neck."
The choking mom was arrested, in spite of the fact that she had complained about the bullying to both her daughter's school and the police, who told her nothing could be done. She was last seen on America Today, advising other parents not to follow her example and instead monitor their kid's use of Facebook.
This may be the right thing to say in view of your upcoming trial, Debbie, but you know it's also wussing out. The world needs the strong sense of justice and the powerful hands of Choking Moms, now more than ever.
There's nothing you need apologize for, Debbie. I encourage you to form an International Choking Mom Task Force, an alliance of powerful beings like the Avengers or the X-Men, equipped with a fantastic airplane so they can swoop to any spot in the globe to choke out bullying wherever it occurs.
There are plenty of people who deserve the kind of red spots-on-the-neck raw vigilante justice that only Choking Moms are capable of delivering. Vladimir Putin needs to wake up in the morning with the crimson blotches of Choking Mom righteousness on his pale throat and start thinking "Maybe I shouldn't steal every election I hold."
Or that French guy who was in charge of all the world's cash, before he got caught having rough sex with hotel maids and organizing whore parties. "Zut alors!" he would exclaim, upon examining his lightly bruised esophagus. "It would be more dignified to keep my zipper shut from now on."
The International Choking Moms could hit Hollywood hard. Mel Gibson would bear the stigmata of their grip on his throat and Steven Seagal would have to change from black pajamas to a black turtleneck so the paparazzi couldn't get pics of him with the red spots of remonstration on his windpipe.
The Choking Moms might have to visit Rush Limbaugh's studio every day, until he finally breaks down on air and confesses, "I'm a four-time married drug addict who gobbles Viagra like a gigantic endangered blue whale sucks up krill. Nearly as fat as one of those, too. Who am I to call anyone a slut?"
If a Choking Moms had put a maternal stranglehold on Mitt Romney after he bullied an allegedly gay classmate in high school, maybe he would have thought, "Man, I am a spoiled little ass. The country would be better off if I never became President."
When the Choking Moms catch the Mama Grizzlies drawing gun sights on their political opponents again, it's going to be the mother of all maternal smackdowns.
The Chinese Choking Moms would be an entire auxiliary operation, both because of the size of their population and the language barrier, but when they get organized, government thugs who beat up blind men will be wearing their Chairman Mao collars a little bit higher, if you know what I mean.
The list goes on and on. Probably the Choking Moms should coat their hands with indelible red ink, so the crimson spots of shame would permanently scar the necks of the world's bullies. After a few years, I guarantee thugs and megalomaniacs all over the planet will back down when they hear these chilling words:
"WE'RE GOING TO TELL OUR MOMS ON YOU!"
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