The Ten Commandments had already had a rough time of it in Little Rock. A man described as a “serial destroyer” of Ten Commandments monuments had already run into it with his pickup truck. This makes sense if you consider that it’s easy to break a couple Commandments simultaneously—the one about ‘taking the Lord’s name in vain” can be combined with almost any other sinful activity, for example, but if you want to break ALL the commandments at once, nothing works like a Dodge Ram.
The monument was restored, but it was shrouded on the day Baphomet came to visit it, as it was being treated against some sinful microbes that had infested it, but the Satanists hardly needed it to rail against, as homegrown Bible thumpers showed up to shout holy verses at them, which warms their devilish little hearts.
The Christians no doubt felt they were fighting the minions of Lucifer himself, but the Satanic Temple congregation is not required to worship Satan. To make things even more tiresome, Baphomet is not Satan at all, but a deity made up by a French king so that he could enjoy accusing people of worshipping it and then torturing them until they begged to be burned at the stake. The Satanic Temple mostly consists of party people who get a kick out of blasphemy, and they had already trucked their winged hermaphroditic ruminant to Oklahoma to face off against the Ten Commandments and End Timers there.
These busy little heretics put us to shame at this column, because we’re Dudeists. Even the Pastafarians get headlines now and then for insisting that they be allowed to wear colanders on their heads for their driver’s license pictures, but we Dudeists hold fast to the two pillars of our faith, which are drinking too much and working as little as possible. We are not required to do more, like memorizing every line in The Big Lebowski, although many of us have. We are not making a statue of Jeff Bridges in a bathrobe and carting it around the country, man.
We let the Satanic Temple do our work for us, but in fact we will let just about anybody do our work for us, so they shouldn’t put that on their resumes. Baphomet has returned to Detroit, but he/she stands ready to wing to any location where any legislature puts up the TCs or even just a couple of Bible verses that they can hide behind while they rob, steal and cheat on their wives, each other, or the public at large.
But he won’t be returning to Arkansas soon. State Senator Jason Rapert, one of the driving forces behind the Commandments display, has said “It will be a very cold day in hell before an offensive statue will be forced upon us,” by which, incidentally, he does not mean Confederate monuments.
Trust us on that.