The author, like all American males, aspires to eternal youthfulness. He was pretty good at deluding himself that he was succeeding in this regard until fairly recently. The best way to maintain a youthful attitude is to hang around with people who are a lot younger than you. In the past few years, however, the author has noticed that the people who are a lot younger than him are getting older. They still remember when Reagan was President, too, and are no better at texting or picking up references to video game characters or grading anime movies than he is.
The author also has a teenage child, which helps with the video game/anime issues, especially if he is willing to endure the impatience and scorn a teenager will serve up along with any information he might impart during a conversation with a parent, an activity most teenagers would rather be waterboarded than endure.
So when the author saw the commercial with man dancing by himself in Grand Central Station, to the puzzlement of passersby, then gets a message that the flash mob has been moved to 12:30, he had to consult a teenage source to find out exactly what a flash mob is. The author was tersely directed to You Tube, where the basics of flash mobbery were revealed to him.
You Tube at least has many videos which are entertaining. Flash mobs are often organized on Facebook, which is completely useless for purposes apart from flash mobbing and fomenting Arab revolutions. The author's "friends" on Facebook seem bent on impressing him with the banality of their existences by constantly posting the gnawing minutiae of their lives. The author is not going to get emotionally involved in someone's just having finished making fruit salad in New Jersey. He does not care that you are stuck in traffic in Delaware, information you can impart to him because you have the Facebook app on your iPhone. He does not care about anything that happens in Delaware, and neither should anybody else, in his opinion, even if they are stuck there.
You might as well post "The minutes of my life are ticking away, and I have no idea what to do with them."
Well, one thing you could do is organize a flash mob. Apparently some people organize flash crime sprees as well, which could be even more exhilarating. If you do, the author might want to be invited, even though both his dancing abilities and his talent at quickly departing a crime scene are limited. The quest for eternal youthfulness requires taking risks.
Another recent tech trend that interests the author is cell phone hackery. He has had several cell phones that he felt like hacking, and by that he means to bits. He once owned a Blackberry at the dual core of which was a silicon wafer of intransigent evil. That thing was a pocket-dialing monster. It would spontaneously dial the author's ex-girlfriends and say nothing. This resulted in the author being the victim of several bitter harangues from people he thought he had succeeded in avoiding forever. He was lucky to escape a restraining order.
The author eventually decided to go back to an old-school flip phone. It is impossible for this phone to pocket-dial. It's also next to impossible to text on it, which is good. The author does not text. The author does not approve of text-message English. He thinks it is illiterate, lazy and no doubt the future of the language. If you text him, he is going to call you back and ask you what you want.
Which brings us to Scarlett Johansson and her phone getting hacked and having naked pictures of herself all over the Internet. In the interests of justice, the author immediately went to Google to investigate upon hearing of this offense. The FBI is also investigating naked Scarlett, which must be a nice break from their regular routine for them.
The only nude pictures the author could find of Scarlett were her cover for Vanity Fair and a couple phone pics of the self portrait variety, which is were the subject holds the cell phone at arm's length or stands in front of a mirror and takes a picture of the subject's self. Everyone has done this, including the author, but he always erases the picture immediately afterward, because he looks terrible when photographed in this matter, although it is a point of pride with him that he looks just as terrible clothed as unclothed.
Scarlett does not suffer from this problem. She can manage to look sultry for the camera even when the camera is her own cell phone. The FBI has not revealed the name of the original recipient of the picture, but he or she is hardly the first person to get a naked cell phone picture from someone who cares. The author was told by his teenage source that most burgeoning romances nowadays include an exchange of revealing cell phone pictures as part of the courtship ritual, pictures that say simply, as Scarlett no doubted wanted to say, "I'm naked, and I'm thinking of you."
Most of us would be happy to get a message like this from any attractive person of the gender to which we are drawn, but getting it from Scarlett Johanssen is like owning the Mona Lisa of naked cell phone pictures. Sure, you're going to display it. You're going to show it around town until eventually you show it to someone who knows how to hack a cell phone.
And today, you're in big trouble with Scarlett. No matter who you are, you are cut off.
The problem for you and Scarlett is that you guys flouted what the author likes to call The First Law of Nude Photography in the Digital Age, which states:
ALL NAKED PICTURES WILL EVENTUALLY END UP ON THE INTERNET
This law is retroactive to prehistory. Here's a URL for the original naked picture.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Vulve_stylis%C3%A9e.JPG.
Click on it if you like. Put her on your cell phone, if you can figure out how. Sure, she's hot, but she ain't no Scarlett Johanssen.
The author also has a teenage child, which helps with the video game/anime issues, especially if he is willing to endure the impatience and scorn a teenager will serve up along with any information he might impart during a conversation with a parent, an activity most teenagers would rather be waterboarded than endure.
So when the author saw the commercial with man dancing by himself in Grand Central Station, to the puzzlement of passersby, then gets a message that the flash mob has been moved to 12:30, he had to consult a teenage source to find out exactly what a flash mob is. The author was tersely directed to You Tube, where the basics of flash mobbery were revealed to him.
You Tube at least has many videos which are entertaining. Flash mobs are often organized on Facebook, which is completely useless for purposes apart from flash mobbing and fomenting Arab revolutions. The author's "friends" on Facebook seem bent on impressing him with the banality of their existences by constantly posting the gnawing minutiae of their lives. The author is not going to get emotionally involved in someone's just having finished making fruit salad in New Jersey. He does not care that you are stuck in traffic in Delaware, information you can impart to him because you have the Facebook app on your iPhone. He does not care about anything that happens in Delaware, and neither should anybody else, in his opinion, even if they are stuck there.
You might as well post "The minutes of my life are ticking away, and I have no idea what to do with them."
Well, one thing you could do is organize a flash mob. Apparently some people organize flash crime sprees as well, which could be even more exhilarating. If you do, the author might want to be invited, even though both his dancing abilities and his talent at quickly departing a crime scene are limited. The quest for eternal youthfulness requires taking risks.
Another recent tech trend that interests the author is cell phone hackery. He has had several cell phones that he felt like hacking, and by that he means to bits. He once owned a Blackberry at the dual core of which was a silicon wafer of intransigent evil. That thing was a pocket-dialing monster. It would spontaneously dial the author's ex-girlfriends and say nothing. This resulted in the author being the victim of several bitter harangues from people he thought he had succeeded in avoiding forever. He was lucky to escape a restraining order.
The author eventually decided to go back to an old-school flip phone. It is impossible for this phone to pocket-dial. It's also next to impossible to text on it, which is good. The author does not text. The author does not approve of text-message English. He thinks it is illiterate, lazy and no doubt the future of the language. If you text him, he is going to call you back and ask you what you want.
Which brings us to Scarlett Johansson and her phone getting hacked and having naked pictures of herself all over the Internet. In the interests of justice, the author immediately went to Google to investigate upon hearing of this offense. The FBI is also investigating naked Scarlett, which must be a nice break from their regular routine for them.
The only nude pictures the author could find of Scarlett were her cover for Vanity Fair and a couple phone pics of the self portrait variety, which is were the subject holds the cell phone at arm's length or stands in front of a mirror and takes a picture of the subject's self. Everyone has done this, including the author, but he always erases the picture immediately afterward, because he looks terrible when photographed in this matter, although it is a point of pride with him that he looks just as terrible clothed as unclothed.
Scarlett does not suffer from this problem. She can manage to look sultry for the camera even when the camera is her own cell phone. The FBI has not revealed the name of the original recipient of the picture, but he or she is hardly the first person to get a naked cell phone picture from someone who cares. The author was told by his teenage source that most burgeoning romances nowadays include an exchange of revealing cell phone pictures as part of the courtship ritual, pictures that say simply, as Scarlett no doubted wanted to say, "I'm naked, and I'm thinking of you."
Most of us would be happy to get a message like this from any attractive person of the gender to which we are drawn, but getting it from Scarlett Johanssen is like owning the Mona Lisa of naked cell phone pictures. Sure, you're going to display it. You're going to show it around town until eventually you show it to someone who knows how to hack a cell phone.
And today, you're in big trouble with Scarlett. No matter who you are, you are cut off.
The problem for you and Scarlett is that you guys flouted what the author likes to call The First Law of Nude Photography in the Digital Age, which states:
ALL NAKED PICTURES WILL EVENTUALLY END UP ON THE INTERNET
This law is retroactive to prehistory. Here's a URL for the original naked picture.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Vulve_stylis%C3%A9e.JPG.
Click on it if you like. Put her on your cell phone, if you can figure out how. Sure, she's hot, but she ain't no Scarlett Johanssen.
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