Kim and Jang in happier times--picking out people to execute together In an alarming development in the overrated-as-a-threat country of North Korea, Supreme Leader Kim Jung Un had his uncle and second-in-command Jang Song Thaek publicly executed last week.
My sources in the intelligence community were quick to jump in and analyze this development, although all insisted on anonymity to protect their operatives and also in case they were completely wrong.
"It just shows we can expect anything from this feckless young maniac," one senior analyst said. "Kim is very insecure. Rumor has it he's been spending millions to tear down old statues of his father and grandfather and replace them with slightly huskier ones just to show fellow North Koreans that him being the only overweight person in the country has genetic overtones."
So it's all about the weight?
"It's best not to mention it around him is what we think. That could have been what doomed Jang. Our inside ops tell us that Jang got smashed at the People's Christmas Party last year and kept saying things like 'Hey, is this bowl of chips empty again?' and 'That kid has more chins than the Peking phone book, which I know because our only allies the Chinese like me and invite me over all the time, while they think the Supreme leader is a chubby little turd" and "If I weighed more than my sofa bed, I'd be too self-conscious to use my primitive nuclear weapons to blackmail the US for more food."
So Jang was dissing Kim Un something fierce?
"Yes, and it was a stupid miscalculation. Jang never had the relationship capital with Kim that an evil old uncle in a normal Communist dynastic family would have. Jang never did the regular uncle things with Kim, like fishing with him off a blacked-out gunboat in some other nation's territorial waters, or taking him out to shoot peasants."
So with Jang gone, we can expect even more awkward behavior from Kim?
"I think it's a certainty. What Kim misses are the good old days when his father presided over the Axis of Evil. With Iraq getting completely remodeled and Iran backing off on its suicidal nuclear ambitions, Kim stands alone. He is more like the "Ball Bearing of Evil," or "That Puzzling Little Leftover Part You Still Have When You've Completely Assembled Something According to the Directions of Evil."
I'm impressed by the sophistication of your analysis.
"North Korea is a very mysterious place. We know almost nothing about what really happens there, so we feel the American people deserve the very finest speculation when the kimchee hits the fan, so to speak. If we just said hey, the guy was probably grumpy because his wife put him on a diet, or that shooting Jang could have been Dennis Rodman's idea, would we really be earning our share of your tax dollars?"
My sources in the intelligence community were quick to jump in and analyze this development, although all insisted on anonymity to protect their operatives and also in case they were completely wrong.
"It just shows we can expect anything from this feckless young maniac," one senior analyst said. "Kim is very insecure. Rumor has it he's been spending millions to tear down old statues of his father and grandfather and replace them with slightly huskier ones just to show fellow North Koreans that him being the only overweight person in the country has genetic overtones."
So it's all about the weight?
"It's best not to mention it around him is what we think. That could have been what doomed Jang. Our inside ops tell us that Jang got smashed at the People's Christmas Party last year and kept saying things like 'Hey, is this bowl of chips empty again?' and 'That kid has more chins than the Peking phone book, which I know because our only allies the Chinese like me and invite me over all the time, while they think the Supreme leader is a chubby little turd" and "If I weighed more than my sofa bed, I'd be too self-conscious to use my primitive nuclear weapons to blackmail the US for more food."
So Jang was dissing Kim Un something fierce?
"Yes, and it was a stupid miscalculation. Jang never had the relationship capital with Kim that an evil old uncle in a normal Communist dynastic family would have. Jang never did the regular uncle things with Kim, like fishing with him off a blacked-out gunboat in some other nation's territorial waters, or taking him out to shoot peasants."
So with Jang gone, we can expect even more awkward behavior from Kim?
"I think it's a certainty. What Kim misses are the good old days when his father presided over the Axis of Evil. With Iraq getting completely remodeled and Iran backing off on its suicidal nuclear ambitions, Kim stands alone. He is more like the "Ball Bearing of Evil," or "That Puzzling Little Leftover Part You Still Have When You've Completely Assembled Something According to the Directions of Evil."
I'm impressed by the sophistication of your analysis.
"North Korea is a very mysterious place. We know almost nothing about what really happens there, so we feel the American people deserve the very finest speculation when the kimchee hits the fan, so to speak. If we just said hey, the guy was probably grumpy because his wife put him on a diet, or that shooting Jang could have been Dennis Rodman's idea, would we really be earning our share of your tax dollars?"
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