It's a whole new game, and when Americans say "Who da playuhs?" the people below shout "We da playuhs!"
Satan is God’s Obama.
Despite a few hiccups, like not really damaging anything with 59 Tomahawks in Syria or being able to keep track of where carrier groups are exactly located, there's little doubt that there's a new attitude in Washington, an attitude of "Don't f*ck with us, or we'll f*uck with you. If the Chinese and the Russians let us, of course."
It's a whole new game, and when Americans say "Who da playuhs?" the people below shout "We da playuhs!"
Mike Pence—The Consigliere. #2 is the man to send to the front lines. The cold stare that promises mayhem is a Pence trademark, and no doubt Jong un was coughing up his kimchee when he saw Pence glaring across the DMZ. Where does he get that threatening mien? “He’s thinking about women getting free birth control,” confided one of his aides.
“Rambling” Rex Tillerson –He goes here, he goes there, but the press isn’t allowed to follow him anywhere, so it’s tough to say exactly what he’s doing. But he’s perhaps the head architect of the Trump foreign policy, eloquently described by a neutral observer as “Not telling other nations what we want, and not telling them what we’re going to do if they don’t give it to us.”
Jared “Inside Man” Kushner—Don’t let this young international stud fool you by his propensity to take skiing vacations in the midst of crises. He just made former hardass Steve Bannon his pocket lint in the latest White House power struggle. Charged with solving the centuries-old conflict on the Middle East, and questioned on how he plans to succeed, Kushner replied, “Piece of beautiful cake. Once you’ve navigated quagmires such as I have, like being born to immense personal wealth, then settling on the one person whose ass you’d like to kiss for the rest of your life, then marrying his daughter, the Middle East doesn’t look like such a labyrinth.”
Ivanka “Purse Designer” Trump—Never underestimate this femme fatale. Some critics say all she's done for international diplomacy is compare cup sizes with Angela Merkel, but when the other members of the inside circle talk big about things like cutting the cajones off Mexico and making damn well certain an entertaining change of climate is coming our way, she’s always getting what she wants. Which are trademark deals with the Chinese.
The President--El Jefe. The solid eye of the hard-assity hurricane, few have ever demonstrated his vision, although many have seen him sharing classified information along with some shrimp cocktails at his Mar a Lago Fortress and Golf Resort. The stream of threatening Tweets that burble out of his unsecured cell phone form the orders to which the others march. He claims credit for everything good, while avoiding blame for all evil. Who else succeeds in doing that? Oh, yeah, God. God gets away with that because he blames all problems on Satan, which can only lead this column to believe one thing:
Satan is God’s Obama.
In what observers described as a brilliant diplomatic stroke, North Korea eliminated most of its foreign relations problems today by joining the National Rifle Association (NRA).
The People's Republic, previously regarded as an unstable, dangerous international pariah, was welcomed into the NRA by executive director Wayne LaPierre.
"We welcome North Korea as an NRA member," LaPierre said, in prepared remarks. "I'd like to point out that this nation already exemplifies several NRA ideals. First, they have armed guards at every school. In North Korea's case, it's to keep the kids from escaping, but it's the same principle. Also, the People's Republic is a clear example of the ridiculousness of limiting arm sales. They have a million-man army—how are they going to keep those soldiers battle-ready if they can only buy three guns a day?
"Plus, North Korea always take the blame from liberals when they capture US Navy vessels or invade South Korean islands, like we always feel the heat when some nut job whose gun rights we have painstakingly protected shoots up a school or a mall or something. It's not like we never felt their pain."
The move to join the NRA was led by North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, known affectionately to his fellow countrymen as "that fat kid."
"This is a move that really works for Kim," a State Department spokesman admitted. "This is a guy who didn't have a friend in the world. Even the Chinese were ready to cut him loose. Now he's found a mother lode of fellow heavily-armed paranoids to pal around with. Plus if you've ever watched any reality shows featuring gun collectors or been to a Gun Appreciation Day, you know there are plenty of overweight guys in the NRA. Jong-un doesn't have that in Korea, where everyone but him is mostly starving. Now he has plenty of sympathetic bros to chill with when he digs into a plate of loaded nachos and starts bitching about how he can't execute all of his rocket scientists with anti-aircraft guns every time one of his missiles blows up on the launch pad."
North Korea also picked up immediate allies among American politicians. As Senator Lindsey "Fire in the Hole" Graham explained, "Sure, I was all in favor of attacking North Korea when they were a tiny, primitive, nuclear-armed Communist nation whose ass we could kick to take the heat off us for not impeaching Trump. But now attacking them puts us on a slippery slope. Once you take away one NRA member's weapons of mass destruction, where does it end?"
Kim Jong-un himself spoke only briefly about his diplomatic coup. "You can have my unreliable, hard-to-aim ICBMs that aren't powerful enough to carry my primitive nukes anyway when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers." he crowed, as he flashed his NRA patch.
Sean Spicer’s latest blunder, asserting that even Hitler, the gold standard for evil demagogues, did not gas his own people but Syrian President Assad, his boss’s latest enemy, did, and then when the fact of Nazi death camps was pointed out to him, saying that they were different because the Nazis didn’t drop their gas on their victims from airplanes, may end up costing him his job.
It didn’t help when he referred to the concentration camps as “Holocaust Centers,” which put these arenas of murder in the same category as centers of outlet, Lawn and Garden, and Rockefeller.
His argument that diffusing poison gas from the skies was fundamentally different from telling your victims they were going to have a shower and then suffocating them with hydrogen cyanide did not prove convincing. It only shows Teutonic efficiency. Death camps don’t waste gas like sarin bombs do, by poisoning the landscape at large, possibly killing rats, goats, camels or the rare Syrian Desert Beaver* as well as their targets. Death camps just kill your own people.
The Spiceman made the further faux pas of advancing his theory on Passover, the most importantly religious holiday of the year for Jews, who comprised the majority of Hitler’s victims.
All of this was completely unnecessary, because there’s nothing in international law that says you have to be worse than Hitler before you deserve a nice trial for your war crimes.
So, the rumor is, that in the bitter breakfast served at the White House every morning, Spicer will soon be the toast. This is so unfair to him, because his only disqualification for the job is that he can’t lie smoothly enough on his feet. You watch the man lying. His eyes bulge and he lashes out like a drunk uncle at the assembled media. His brain cramps up under the pressure of prevarication, and then he blurts out something about Hitler.
There are many of us, the majority perhaps, that can’t lie any better than the Press Secretary. But his lack of natural mendaciousness make the Spicinator a bad mouthpiece for a President like Trump, who can’t stop lying unless he’s sleeping or chatting about vagina.
But a President can’t not have a Press Secretary, and when Spicey is demoted to making midnight corn liquor runs for Steve Bannon, someone will have to step forward, and the money here is on Kellyanne Conway, spin-mistress extraordinaire.
Sure, the K-girl has been quiet lately, nearly as quiet as all of the victims of the Bowling Green massacre. But I, for one, have never lost faith in her. The glistening fake smile, the perky nose, the lips that can let preposterous nonsense slip through them as easily as if it was coated with grape jelly, and the freezing stare that makes me think that the two last things I’d like to be on Earth is eaten by a wild animal or her husband. There’s a real liar. And that’s no alternative fact.
The only thing that might stop her ascension to Head Mouthpiece is Trump’s reputed distaste for anybody he thinks might be better than him at anything, and Kellyanne is certainly the superior liar to Trump, who is constantly under suspicion that what he says and Tweets are not lies to him at all, just brain flatus caused by excess consumption of Fox TV, a condition he has in common with many of his supporters.
But not Kellyanne. The divine power of deception radiates from every pore of her being, all the more so because it is dead certain that she knows that every time she opens her mouth, she is lying her Spanx off.
So give her the job. Spicer will be able to find other work. And so will Melissa McCarthy.
*Doesn’t actually exist. Would make a great screen name, though.
Neutral observers of the White House have pointed out that the recent cruise missile attack on Syria shows that this Administration is beginning to formulate an approach to armed warfare that might be called the Trump Doctrine, which is:
Any time you can see footage of dead babies on Fox, the President is entitled to launch missiles.
The President’s favorite news network does not air many pictures of dead Syrians, even though there is a plentiful supply of them, not wishing to alarm its viewers into thinking the hordes of people fleeing that country have a good solid reason for doing so. Fox prefers that its audience think that these people are just faking desperation in order to get here to become terrorists.
Syrian head hombre Bashar al-Assad, in his ongoing campaign to be to his own people what Colonel Sanders is to his chickens, mostly uses conventional weapons like bombs, guns and grenades to kill children, but last week he was apparently running low on those supplies, and decided to use some sarin gas. He was supposed to have handed all his sarin over to the Russians a few years back, but apparently was allowed to keep a little bit. Probably he told Putin he wanted it in case he needed to termite-tent his palace.
Gassing innocents is against international conventions, whereas killing them with planes, missiles and artillery is okay. Not crossing this line is what keeps civilization intact. Dead babies killed by sarin gas are a war crime, whereas babies killed by bombing runs are just a regular thing. Even Fox gets this, and broadcast footage of the gassed children.
The President was watching. We can only imagine the scene. Trump was viewing Fox, along with Steve Bannon. He had one hand on his phone, ready to Tweet any conspiracy theories his favorite network might crank out. The other he had in Sean Spicer’s jar of cheese puffs, which he eats for complexion maintenance.
“Look at those dead babies,” the President exclaims. “This Assad guy is a monster. Why, he’s worse than Planned Parenthood. Let’s organize a hasty raid like we did in Yemen and get his ass.”
“Worse than Planned Parenthood? I wouldn’t go that far, Mr. President,” Steve Bannon, ever the voice of reason, replied. “Assad just kills babies. He does not provide birth control, STD testing or cancer screenings. We don’t need to wipe him off the face of the Earth like we do Planned Parenthood. Let’s just toss a couple Tomahawks at one of his favorite airfields.”
“All right, but it will be a good cruise missile strike. A beautiful missile strike. The best cruise missile strike.”
“And we’ll tell Putin in advance,” Bannon suggests.
“Why would we do that?”
“The tapes,” Bannon replies, tersely. “Plus, they can remove all their best stuff and their nicest airplanes from the target, and probably be able to use it the next day.”
“That sounds like a good plan. That sounds like the best plan. Hey Steve, why can’t we just bomb Planned Parenthood clinics?"
“It’s been tried, Mr. President. It’s been tried.”
Another reason to shut off the pipeline of refugees emigrating to the US just emerged from the chaos of war and travel bans and fear of sharia law—these Muslim monsters are taking jobs away from natural American stoners.
Employers are hiring refugees because they can all pass pre-employment drug screens, which native-born citizens are having a tough time doing because we are all on drugs. Up to 80% of the workforce at a company in Colorado failed a random drug test, because everybody in that state has been toking their faces off ever since weed became legal there. You can’t fire 80% of your employees at the same time, so these stoned people still have jobs. But they can’t get other jobs, because a lot of employers would pee test them before putting them on the production line.
And all these refugees can pass that test, because none of them are on drugs. Why this is no one knows. A war-torn hellhole would seem an ideal spot to experiment with psychotropic substances. Look at Detroit. But these Syrian types have resisted the urge to use drugs, despite their living conditions, which include regularly being buried in rubble and the occasional surprise amputation.
And there’s no better place to cook meth than Aleppo. If your lab explodes and destroys your house, no one would even blink, because to go up in fiery flames is the natural fate of all the housing stock in that city. But, surprisingly, no one bothers. Being constantly in fear of death and torture makes you too busy to learn how to take a bong hit or rail out some cocaine with your American Express card, is all I can think.
So, what we have now is a White House that promises to bring manufacturing jobs back to the US and at the same time is blocking the entrance of refugees who are the only people clean and sober enough to fill them. Something has to give, and it’s definitely not going to be opening the golden door wider for a bunch of brown-skinned foreigners that make our skins crawl, even though that itchy sensation may be caused by heroin withdrawal as well as xenophobia.
The only answer is to let Americans work high. Look at the picture. Don’t you think you could make a zillion cheeseburgers a day even if you were totally baked? Sure, your company would lose some product to the munchies, and occasionally you’d have to use some of your vacation time going to rehab, but it’s better than letting a gang of people fleeing the death and destruction of their homeland and who speak a language that makes Spanish, which we also hate to hear, sound almost comprehensible, snatch all the mindless jobs in the land.
Otherwise we face a future in which the Walmart smiley faces are trilingual instead of merely bilingual. It makes no sense to deport a bunch of hard-working people because we hate their ethnicity merely to replace them with refugees we hate because of their religion. Let native Americans be hard-working as well as highly stoned. Eliminate drug-testing! The future is at stake.
You finished rolling that joint yet?
Now that the Republicans' efforts to repeal Obamacare have sunk like a Philippine ferry, where is their path forward? I put that to a high-ranking Republican staffer, who agreed to answer questions on a promise of anonymity.
“It’s easy,” he insisted. “We got burned on healthcare because it’s a real problem. We discovered too late that the thing people hated most about Obamacare is that it began with 'Obama.' Otherwise, people were good with having health insurance. We're going to return to our Republican roots by only solving imaginary problems.”
Like allowing mentally ill people to buy guns?
“Good example. Delusional people have Second Amendment rights, too. Who pays attention to an unarmed crazy? Having a chiller under your bed when you go off your meds is the American way. Problem solved.”
Another imaginary problem is that the American military doesn’t have enough money, right?
“You bet your britches we’ll be fixing that one. That’s an easy lift. We just have to make sure we spend those extra billions on expensive hardware built in Republican home districts rather than any more benefits for the troops.”
Transgender bathroom rapists, of which there are currently none?
“And none better show up, pard. Republicans will make sure those sex-crazed trannies have to use the bushes outside of the 7-11 when they have to make tinkle.”
How about problems that actually affect your base? Like opioid addiction?
“That’s a real problem, buster. We Republicans will always understand that when opioid addiction meant black people on heroin, it was a crime problem. Now that it’s white people on oxycontin, it’s a health problem. But it’s still real, so ix-nay on solving it. Give me voter fraud any day. Now that Republicans control both houses of Congress, voter fraud will be wiped out across this great nation.”
Because there almost isn’t any?
“There will be almost even less when we’re done.”
Don’t you think voters will notice the GOP doesn’t solve any real problems eventually and vote the Democrats back in?
“Of course. And the Democrats will try and fix real problems, like they always do. If they fail, we’ll dog-whistle to American people that they’re candyasses. If they succeed, we’ll start screaming about the deficit. But right now, while we’re on top, you can say goodbye to all of the USA’s imaginary problems, from billionaires crumbling under their tax burdens, to women getting their birth control covered by insurance, to baking gay cakes. All will vanish under bold Republican initiatives.”
Sounds like you have it all planned out.
“Like the song says, these are the good old days.”
The security of the country is in peril because the FBI doesn’t want to hire stoners to serve as cybersecurity experts.
As revealed in this Mother Jones article, the FBI is failing to recruit the best anti-hacking pros for two reasons—one, they are snatched off for better pay by private companies who are also concerned about cybersecurity and, two, these computer geeks are higher than the Van Allen Belt most of the time on killer bud.
The FBI drug-tests its applicants, which the totally blazed hacker community knows full well, so those citizens are busy providing Internet security for Wall Street, Wal-Mart or wherever, leaving the CIA, the NSA and the State Department more vulnerable to foreign cyber-criminals than a senile senior's bank account. Also they are being stoned to the bone.
Why do we need to weaponize these weed warriors? The hacking specialists that the FBI manages to hire are not as effective as their ganja-smoking counterparts. Why a sober computer security specialist can’t detect the ugly electronic tentacles of Guccifer 2.0 as well as someone who’s been baked more often than frozen pizza no one can say for sure, but a person whose most commonly used declarative sentence is “I mean…I want…did you see that? Whew,” followed by “Anybody up for a run to Jack-in-the-Box?” is apparently the more gifted cybersleuth of the two.
The FBI director, himself the beneficiary of a crap-ton of publicity lately, has acknowledged contemplating changing the Bureau’s drug-testing policy, so patriotic potheads can serve to protect America’s security. Bong hits may become as vital a part of our nation’s defenses as launching drones. The Marines will always be a bulwark of American response to foreign threats, but Americans way too wasted to get through the rigors of basic training can also serve. If you can’t be Semper Fi, be Semper High.
It’s not as if there’s no precedent. Didn’t a couple Nazis help NASA land on the moon? Why can’t natural American stoners protect us from hackers? I see no reason why not.
Uncle Sam, meet Jeff Spicoli.
Most observers think that the batshit incompetence exhibited by our national government since Trump was sworn in is the head Cheez-it’s fault. Trump runs the country the same way he runs his businesses, they say, with a minimum of attention to detail and a maximum amount of golf.
This is no doubt true, but it doesn’t account for the down-low spitefulness with which Trump pursues his aims. I mean, hating Mexicans and Muslims is popular all over the land, and taking health coverage away from the indigent is no big deal, because they were going to die of something anyway, but to dump on the Coast Guard? Nobody hates the Coast Guard.
Except a man who’s not getting any sex from his wife. I suspect the Head of State is being denied by his spouse. First of all, would you be having Twitter tirades at 4 AM if you had just been satisfied by the sex star of Slovenia? I know I wouldn’t. I’d be drifting off to dreamland in a contented glow, thinking generous thoughts like “Who needs a wall and healthcare reform? Why shouldn’t people be able to keep their Obamacare and their landscaping crew? And remind me, honey, to get that puppy I promised Sean Spicer.”
If Melania and I were making our love nest in Trump Tower, I’d also murmur, “And goodnight to you too, Barack,” just in case.
But we’re not getting that from our President. He is exhibiting all the behaviors of a man cut off from his nookie. He’s lashing out at everybody, from the cast of SNL to Preet Bharara to Meryl Streep. He’s sublimated his sex drive into spasms of executive orders.
Possibly he’s fantasizing about Betsy DeVos naked.
Now, before you recoil in horror from this image, remember, the man is more to be pitied than blamed. No one really knows what goes on between two people, and Trump bought Melania fair and square from her father, in the time-honored tradition of European arranged marriages. Of course, he thought that she came with a guaranteed lifetime supply of sex, and he’s understandably bitter that she’s having a permanent headache in Manhattan while he roams the White House in his bathrobe, alone, listening to Steve Bannon snore off another whiskey and Adderal binge.
Let’s have some empathy for Melania, too. She didn’t sign up for this, either, and by that I don’t mean being First Lady. I mean being guarded by the Secret Service all the time so she can’t have sex with the pool boy or her personal trainer, which I’m sure she regarded as a necessary relief from her marital duties. “They're going to be installing a new Ice Age in Hell before he grinds that pasty golf gut up against my creamy, unblemished skin again,” is what she’s probably thinking.
And she can think that in six different languages.
But we’re begging you, Melania (I know, I know—so is he). Do your duty. Lie on your back and think of America next weekend in Mar el Lago.
Oh, right, I forgot. You’re not from here.
President Trump over the weekend identified the two biggest threats to our country, and, surprisingly, they are not terrorism and Mexicans. They are Obama and Schwarzenegger.
Tweeting in the predawn darkness, after another no-good, pretty bad, terrible week as POTUS, Trump accused Obama of ordering surveillance on Trump in Trump Tower during the last election.
Why the former President would want to listen to his successor any more than he had to was left unexplained by Trump. Obama just collected a flat 65 million for a book deal, so maybe, anticipating the literary riches that await any former President, he was doing research for a chapter he was going to title Trump Tower Trailer Trash. Maybe he was hoping to pick up some golfing pointers known only to overweight billionaires. Maybe he just liked to listen to the rustling of Melania slipping in and out of lingerie, or marveling at her ability to talk like a whore in six different languages.
In any case, he must have taken them with him when he left the White House, because Trump can’t actually find them. Perhaps Obama and Richard Branson are cracking up over Barron’s struggles with his homework when they go kite-surfing together. Barron, like many of his fellow fifth-graders, probably has difficulties with the spelling of three-letter words. At least he does if he takes after his dad.
Turning from a casual comparison of Obama to Richard Nixon, which neither the supporters nor the enemies of either man had actually made before, Trump went after one of his fave frenemies, the ex-Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who announced he was leaving Trump’s employ as the host of Celebrity Apprentice.
Only Ivanka’s shoe line was rated lower than Celebrity Apprentice this year, which Schwarzenegger blamed on the fact that a goodly portion of the American public hates Trump and everything he stands for, and would sooner have a hemorrhoidectomy without anesthesia than watch something he produces. Trump, however, stayed true to form by not accepting the blame for anything, and put the show’s rating struggles at the feet of Arnold, whom he feels cannot match him for good looks, charisma and acting chops. He's also critical of Schwarzenegger for fathering an illegitimate child by his housemaid, saying scornfully "Anytime I've ever knocked up a servant, I've made sure she gets an abortion."
Defenders of Schwarzenegger point out that many of his best movie lines have been re-produced on t-shirts, while Trump’s utterances so far have been confined to baseball caps.
And as far as Obama possessing secret recordings of Trump’s private life, observers of the Donald have a simple explanation for the President’s confusion.
He’s just got Obama mixed up with Putin.
The reason for banning several news organizations from a press “gaggle” last Friday at the White House quickly became apparent when the gaggle started, as Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an opening statement that Trump’s secret plan to defeat ISIS in thirty days, a plan the President claimed to have while campaigning for his office, had been successful and ISIS had been defeated.
Even the news organizations permitted to be the recipient of this news, Breitbart and FOX, were skeptical. “Isn’t ISIS currently duking it out with the Kurds in Mosul?” asked one member of the FOX team.
Spicer replied, ”No. There may be something going on in Mosul that involves an exchange of gunfire and bombs, causing death and suffering and more refugees that we don't want here, but it is not fighting by ISIS because ISIS has been defeated, as promised, by President Trump, secretly.”
“Did ISIS formally surrender?” shouted a reporter in the back.
“They secretly surrendered,” Spicer replied. “They’re a terrorist organization. No way we were getting them to show up on the deck of the Missouri. But they’re defeated, all right, thanks to the plan put in place by our President, who has also lowered his golf handicap by one stroke since he took office. The battle against ISIS was won on the putting greens of Mar el Lago.”
“We want to worship your boss, as usual, but what I'm hearing here is that ISIS actually may not know they were beaten?” said a youngish white supremacist from Breitbart.
“Secretly beaten,” Spicer corrected him. “Of course, they may not know it, since we had to keep it secret. But they are done, finished, kaput. Total losers, like NATO and Chuck Schumer.”
“How was victory achieved?” shouted a young woman in a tight skirt sitting with her legs crossed, indicating she was also from FOX.
“That’s a secret,” Spicer replied. A chorus of skeptical groans rose from the assembly, but Spicer hushed them by waving the Ceremonial Sword of the Press Secretary, which he claimed he found in a closet in the briefing room after he took the job, and has lately taken to wearing, at the assembled reporters. “Look, we can’t divulge the details of our successful secret plan because we might want to use it again on some other enemies of mankind, like Boko Haram or Nordstrom's.”
“What about individual acts of terrorism inspired by ISIS?” asked the Breitbart guy.
“Obviously, since ISIS no longer exists, it can’t inspire deranged loners anymore,” Spicer replied. “So that threat has been eliminated as well.”
“Since ISIS doesn’t know they were defeated, and are still trying to murder their way into Heaven as far as we know, aren’t you merely saying you had a secret plan and it worked, when really there was no plan and you’re just claiming victory over terrorism?" asked the perky sex object from FOX.
At that point, Spicer lost his temper and told the assembled reporters that they were all banned from the gaggle. “Go sit in the hall with CNN and the Washington Post, you other fake news peddlers!” he yelled. Then he added, “Except Hannity,” as the room cleared.
What transpired after that no one knows.
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