WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER—Kim Jung Un, baby-faced murderer and nacho-eating champion of the People’s Republic. Got American war games cancelled and got off the International Pariah mug sheet just by showing up and not poisoning anyone.
WINNER—Donald Trump. Because he said summit was “historic,” “a great achievement" "the threat of nuclear war is over," and “all the previous Presidents who dealt with North Korea failed because they sucked ass.” The summit was a winner because Trump is a winner. You think you would have got a clue about that by now, sheeple.
WINNER—Dennis Rodman. Multi-colored haired NBA has-been breaks into tears on the international stage, because he’s so choked up anyone is paying attention to him again, ignoring Tom Hanks' rule: "There's no crying in nuclear brinkmanship." Like Rudy Giuliani, people were perfectly content to ignore Rodman's existence forever, until fate in the form of Trump made him someone you couldn’t pretend not to see, like a process server at your kid’s birthday party.
LOSER (and hater)--Obama. His technique of dealing with a sworn enemy exposed as antiquated forever. Four years of detailed negotiations resulting in an actual, verifiable agreement with a nuclear threat? It is to laugh. He could have followed the Trump model, blown into Tehran his second year in office, proclaimed that the Ayatollah’s butt smelled like a pink Starburst, and declared the nuclear impasse with Iran over.
LOSER--Rudy Giuliani. See above. Rodman takes over Rudy's role of washed-up, widely detested freak in the White House.
LOSER—CANADA. Kim gets the green light to export dairy products to the US without getting all tariffed. Not expected to affect the North Korean economy right away, as all that nation’s diary herds were eaten for sustenance a couple of famines ago, but when North Korean kimchee-flavored yogurt starts flooding the US market, Canada is going to be mighty sorry they taxed ours.
LOSER—Mexico! The biggest loser, due to this phrase in Korean on the communique:
우리는 멕시코가 벽에 값을 치른 다음날 핵을 제거 할 것입니다 LOL, which means “We will denuclearize the day after Mexico pays for the wall (laughing out loud).”
This puts a lot of pressure on the Mexicans, because if they don’t cough up for the wall, and thereby admit that brown people need to be separated from white people by an actual physical barrier, they are a threat to world peace. The only thing standing between atomic apocalypse and world nuclear harmony will be Mexico.
We might have to declare war on them.