The importance of cake in establishing sexual orientation is brought home, and I mean brought home with a police escort, by this story straight out of the Dallas Morning News.
Those who have decried the sincere efforts of Christian bakers not to make cakes for same-sex weddings will have to shut up, as it is now apparent that the Lord works in two ways: 1. Mysteriously. 2. Through cake.
The parable, in which none of the actors are mentioned by name, possibly for legal reasons and also possibly because the speaker of the parable does not wish any of them to dispute the tale, goes as follows: Once there was a bar owned by an anti-Christian gay man. (An ACGM, as he will be referred to in this account from now on, because one thing we can all agree on is that the world needs more acronyms). The bar nonetheless had a Christian regular, and he converted a few of the hookers that hung out at the bar to Christianity.
I hear you skeptics clucking with doubt. Well, bars where hookers hang out with Christians are more common than the naïve among you might think, especially around Republican national conventions.
To celebrate their acceptance of Jesus, the hookers promptly baked a cake, and then “anointed” it. What they anointed it with is not made clear. Whether they prayed over the icing or just dabbed it with a little of the spermicidal jelly they happened to have in their purses will never be known. Whatever they did, the power of Jesus moved through the baked goods, and when the ACGM ate of the cake, he promptly became a straight Christian man, and banged one of the hookers on the bar for her customary rate to celebrate, and in lieu of a tip, gave her free drinks for the weekend.
All right, I made that last part up. Whether the Godly hooker certified the ACGM’s conversion to heterosexuality personally is not made clear by the Morning News account. But it could have happened that way, and how else could we be sure of the truth of this story?
What is important to note is that just as Jesus can make miracles through the sacred sugar and Godly gluten of a hooker cake, so can Satan move through the hot fudge icing of a gay wedding cake. Tales of resolutely Christian men who arrive at a gay wedding in a Dodge Durango extended cab pickup with a gun rack and a hound dog in the bed, take one bite of a gay wedding cake, and then leave in a Mini Cooper convertible with a Bichon Frise next to them in the passenger seat, are no longer to be regarded as merely apocryphal.
And let us hold in our disdain for those good Christian bakers who have forsworn baking cakes that celebrate sodomy. Let us not refer to them as “homophobic, and probably racist and misogynist, too, cracker hypocrites.” Nor shall we call them “hate-filled, Bible-thumping, low-IQ yick-a-doos,” for they are doing God’s work, preventing Lucifer from infesting the flour of Christian cake with his Weevils from Hell.
Also, there are Christian hookers that will bake you a cake. But it still costs 500 bucks an hour.