This punch to the solar plexus of gun enthusiasts everywhere, thrown by namby-pamby Internet liberals at YouTube, has the potential to disrupt the entire firearms-friendly mass movement. Whether you are just stockpiling modified AR-15’s for Armageddon or the that well-publicized but hard to locate zombie apocalypse, or you’re just a simple school shooter, counting the days until you turn 18 and are legally able to buy a bullet for every one of your classmates, your will to educate yourself through gun videos will be severely tested by having to go to Pornhub to view them.
It’s not that Pornhub is opposed to educational videos. Every single video on that website probably has some educational value, although here we don’t have the necessary time, energy, or personal lubricant to ascertain that for sure. If you want to find out how long it takes an innocent pizza delivery man to get yanked into an orgy or find out if lesbian cousin sex happens in Arkansas (in-deedy it does), or to discover what your luscious teenage babysitter will really do for you, your wife, your neighbor that just dropped by to return a mixing bowl, and probably your baby, too, if you up her pay to ten bucks an hour, Pornhub can provide the answers.
But if you’re looking to upgrade your weapon to full automatic, or you just need to buy a gun on the Net because you have one of those tiresome restraining orders on you, Pornhub can be a distracting place. There are categories for every kind of gay, straight, trans, fetish or even cartoon sex, but none for guns. Pornhub could remedy this if it chose to, but so far it has not. There’s no button that says “Ignore sex and go straight to guns.” Once Pornhub became aware that guns were a part of its market, it could add a tab for them, we suppose, and the strong-minded maniac could ignore all the slippery action on the landing page and go directly to what really turns him on, which is a well-oiled weapon.
However, here we fear that many well-intentioned gun owners will go the Hub eager to sublimate their sex drive into violent fantasies but end up oiling their own weapon and discharging it. Then they may fail to feel up to going out into the cold and blasting away at the row of empty beer cans that they are fantasizing are the soldiers of the United Nations Army, a pack of slobbering zombies or just every woman that ever rejected them. Ammunition sales are bound to suffer. In a worst-case scenario, guys who would ordinarily be bravely open-carrying machine guns into Walgreens will end up sitting exhausted in front of their computer screens, not only unarmed but completely pantsless, ready not to defend their Second Amendment rights, but for a nap.
And then the battle for our nation’s soul will have been won. By porn.