To those of you who are looking forward to moving to California once murdering gays becomes legal here, the best advice for you is, don't rent that U-Haul yet. While it only costs $200 to file a proposition here, the next step is collecting 365,000 signatures to get it on the ballot and instead of hanging out in front of the supermarket annoying shoppers by asking if they are registered voters, Matthew McLaughlin, the author of the measure, is apparently now hiding under his bed, because he has suddenly realized that he has really browned off a lot of people. Californians value their gay citizens, knowing that it is on account of them that we have the nicest flower arrangements (imagine how crappy the Rose Bowl Parade would look if straight guys had to decorate those floats) and movie sets in all of the fifty states. Also, gay people invented gentrification, which we need to maintain our inflated real estate values.
So unless 365,000 people crawl under there with him with pens in their hands, Mr. McLaughlin is never going to get enough signatures for people to actually vote to kill gays, so if you really hate homosexuals, your best bet is still moving to Indiana and refusing to bake them cakes.
But the worst thing about this controversy is that the pols in Sacramento are considering raising the cost of originating a proposition from the current bargain-basement 200 bucks to $8000. This means all kinds of semi-lucid ideas are going to be priced out of the market, so before they do, let's act now. Here are the TOP TEN DUMB BALLOT INITIATIVES FOR CALIFORNIA:
10. PROPOSED--"SPIRITUAL BUT NOT RELIGIOUS" BE DECLARED OFFICIAL STATE RELIGION. The wine you drink and the weed you smoke before walking saucer-eyed by the ocean or blubbering about the majesty of the redwoods will be deductible from your state income tax.
9. PROPOSED—WE FINALLY BUILD THAT BRIDGE TO HAWAII. Because they only let you take one surfboard on a plane, dude.
8. PROPOSED—EVERYONE IN THE STATE IS REQUIRED TO WRITE AT LEAST ONE SCREENPLAY. I mean, this has probably already happened, but let's make it official.
7. PROPOSED—HOV LANES BE OPENED TO VEGANS DRIVING PRIUSES. Sure, it'll never pass, but when it loses by a jillion votes, maybe those self-righteous bastards will finally clue in to how much we hate them.
6. PROPOSED—NO MORE MEDICALLY NECESSARY SURGERY FOR ANGELINA JOLIE. We know some people say it's her karma for stealing Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston, but let's stop whittling away at the girl, huh?
5. PROPOSED—JERRY BROWN GETS TO BE GOVERNOR OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL HE DIES. And everyone in the state is required to address him as the "King in the North."
4. PROPOSED—KATY PERRY BE DECLARED GREATEST SUPER BOWL HALFTIME PERFORMER EVER. Sure, maybe Bob Seger can pull off a lightning-fast costume change as well as she can, but who cares? Also, the Left Shark will be declared the Official State Shark.
3. PROPOSED—ANNEX PORTLAND. They think they're cooler than we are. That'll stop when we own them.
2. PROPOSED—IT WILL BE ILLEGAL TO USE THE WORD "DROUGHT." This initiative is inspired by Florida's refusal to use the words "climate change." Thanks to our beautiful, rugged topography here in the Golden State, no matter how high the ocean rises thanks to global warming, parts of California will definitely remain above water, unlike Florida, most of which is only the height of a tall bar stool above sea level. But we do have our dry spells, which will stop once we refuse to acknowledge them, hopefully.
1. PROPOSED—HAVING EARTHQUAKES IS DEFINITELY BETTER THAN HAVING TORNADOES AND HURRICANES. Because there's no such thing as a moderate tornado. Ever think about it that way?
Well, I'm inspired. Look for me at the supermarket. By the way, are you a registered voter?