We all regret that the debate will not take place, but if the Sanders campaign will cough up ten million large for a debate, I want in on it, for I am not afraid to debate Sanders any time, any place, for that sizable a chunk of change. And I promise to do it Trump style.
I can even go one better, because I’ll start off by attacking Bernie’s hairstyle, a move Trump might hesitate to use because of his own frequently criticized do. My highly disciplined hair management regime contrasts favorably with both the Senator’s nursing-home looking fringe and Trump’s lacquered down Hair Club for Billionaire Men comb-over.
After insulting the candidate’s hair (“Why don’t you buy a comb, Senator, instead of just rubbing your head with the pillow when you get up in the morning?”) I’ll give him a humiliating nickname, like “Vegetarian-Looking Old Fart” or “Four-Eyed Communist Bastard,” making sure I add “Senator” in front of it so he knows it’s just a humorous gesture (“Senator Geriatric Peacenik”).
I will not be arguing about any actual issues, like the free college tuition thing or breaking up Wall Street. If Senator Sanders tries to steer the debate in that direction, I will point out that he is a “loser.” If Bernie bristles at that, there’s plenty of ammunition for me to use on him—if he was a winner, he’d be a Senator from a bigger state than Vermont, right? Maple syrup and beautiful fall foliage are nice, but if he really wanted to make a difference, he’d be from a real state like Pennsylvania or Texas. Plus, he’s lost plenty of primaries to She Who Must Not Be Named But Will Likely Be Our Next President Anyway.
If Sanders tries to get the debate back to “programs” or “new Ideas,” a fast dig about my girl being better-looking than his wife (a fact) will rattle him into silence.
When Bernie tries to attack me personally, by pointing out that I have a mixed record with both the IRS and the local police, or that I have never paid up when I’ve been successfully sued, or that I’ve never run for anything, let alone won an election, or even that most people just don’t like me, I will accuse him of dementia and demand he take an Alzheimer’s test on the spot. While he struggles over it, I’ll Tweet to my 88 Twitter followers every time he gets an answer wrong.
I’ll be bringing my birth certificate to the debate, and when he can’t produce his, I’ll accuse him of being born in Belarus. Likewise, I’ll demand he address the rumor that he was the notorious “man on the grassy knoll” that fateful day in Dallas when JFK was shot, even though I started that rumor myself.
I plan to depart the stage in triumph. People will start thinking of me as a viable third-party candidate. I will urge my new-found followers to get me on the ballot in all fifty states. Their job, because I’m not going to lift a finger to do so.
The only thing I need, besides a cashier’s check for the ten mil before I open my mouth, is Secret Service protection for just the one day because I have neither chair-breaking Bernie Bros or muscular white supremacists to back me up in case a riot breaks out. And a couple sandwiches—roast beef, lettuce and tomato on rye—real rye, not that supermarket crap—and light mayo. Not gobs of mayo. I hate that.
It’s going to be yuuuuge.