Jedi-Americans were immediately appalled. All along we thought he was one of us. The way he swamped Hillary in the primaries and McCain in the general election, the sweeping rhetoric, people crying in the street when he won—all this spoke to us of the Force at work. Obviously, Obama had the type of physique that would look good draped in the shabby, brownish robes traditionally worn be intergalactic mystics like Alec Guinness. And basketball is the Jedi game—it's the only sport we'll drop our light sabers for. They cut the basketball scenes out of the original Star Wars, but anybody who is aware of the back story knows that Han Solo and Luke Skywalker, aided by the skills of nine-foot tall Chewbacca in the paint, played a legendary game of half-court three-on-three.
Of course, like many Americans who voted for him, we were not always pleased with the actions he took in office. Chasing the phantom menace of health care and employing unmanned drones instead of tie-fighters to attack our enemies is not the Jedi way. Still, we understood Obama needed to compromise to get things done.
Unemployment has affected us as much as any other group of Americans; when Obama announced he was not going to build a Death Star, we were crushed, as it would have provided jobs for us, dueling with the many squadrons of Imperial storm troopers it was bound to contain.
We now agree with our friends in the Tea Party that the mainstream media always has Obama's back; they kept harping about Benghazi when the dark secret of his non-Jedi-ness was the real scandal that might have cost him the election. We Jedis were not particularly enthusiastic about Romney, but he did have the kind of robotic personality we were used to working with, particularly those of us employed in the auto industry in Ohio.
But now Obama's fraud is revealed; we could just respond with hurt and bewilderment, but that, too, is not the Jedi way. So now we strike back by revealing that his birth certificate is indeed fake, forged by nerdy Ewoks. Let the truth be known:
He wasn't born in Hawaii, but he wasn't born in Kenya, either. He was born on Tatooine!
Go ahead, impeach the bastard.