“A lot of people don’t know this, but the White House is extremely haunted. Ghosts of dead Presidents flit around there all night. Sometimes it even interferes with cable TV reception. I was having a beautiful cold cheeseburger and a Snickers bar for my one AM snack when I saw the ghost of Lincoln. He was playing Parcheesi with some guy he said was Rutherford B. Hayes. I took his word for it.
“So, I said, ‘Hey, Five-Dollar Bill Guy’—that’s what I call him, Five Dollar Bill Guy—sometimes when we talk, I kid him that I’m going to be on the fifty someday, for being ten times the President he was—got plans for the 4th?’ And he didn’t, because he’s a ghost. So, I said, ‘How about you materialize next to me right after I finish giving my speech? Just put your arm around me, or your hands on my shoulders, or something. You don’t have to say anything, because nobody wants to follow me because my speeches are the best speeches. Nobody can top my speeches. I mean, did Lincoln ever have a rally where he gave a speech that everybody remembered? I can't think of one, can you?
“He didn’t say anything, but I could tell he was thinking about it, because that Hayes guy really started cleaning his clock in Parcheesi. Lincoln knows I’m his favorite President to haunt—he couldn't stand Obama or the Clintons--did you know he was the guy who started calling her Crooked Hillary?--and you know he’d love to take back that line about ‘malice towards none,’ now that we have the fake media, angry Democrats, hoax investigations, the European Union, socialism, Nancy Pelosi and George Conway, and a bunch of other enemies of the people. Because if there’s one thing we got with Trump in charge, it’s malice. He didn’t have enough, that’s why it took him four years to win the Civil War. I would have got it done in two. Months. I mean, do you see the South rising against Trump in the first place?
“Hah! Lincoln knows when I’m yanking his chain, because he wears it around his neck, even though I offer to lend him one of my ties all the time, because it would be more comfortable. But he won’t want to follow me on stage, even to admit he was wrong, which he should do, but whatever. He can just stand next to me and shut up, like the Joint Chiefs of staff are gonna do. Because I don’t really need him. He needs me. Memorial space is getting tight around the Mall, and it’s going to take a real estate genius like Trump to figure out where the Trump Memorial is going to go without razing one or two of them.
“So, does Lincoln show up? I think so. He’d be crazy not to. But we’ll see.”