Any time you can see footage of dead babies on Fox, the President is entitled to launch missiles.
The President’s favorite news network does not air many pictures of dead Syrians, even though there is a plentiful supply of them, not wishing to alarm its viewers into thinking the hordes of people fleeing that country have a good solid reason for doing so. Fox prefers that its audience think that these people are just faking desperation in order to get here to become terrorists.
Syrian head hombre Bashar al-Assad, in his ongoing campaign to be to his own people what Colonel Sanders is to his chickens, mostly uses conventional weapons like bombs, guns and grenades to kill children, but last week he was apparently running low on those supplies, and decided to use some sarin gas. He was supposed to have handed all his sarin over to the Russians a few years back, but apparently was allowed to keep a little bit. Probably he told Putin he wanted it in case he needed to termite-tent his palace.
Gassing innocents is against international conventions, whereas killing them with planes, missiles and artillery is okay. Not crossing this line is what keeps civilization intact. Dead babies killed by sarin gas are a war crime, whereas babies killed by bombing runs are just a regular thing. Even Fox gets this, and broadcast footage of the gassed children.
The President was watching. We can only imagine the scene. Trump was viewing Fox, along with Steve Bannon. He had one hand on his phone, ready to Tweet any conspiracy theories his favorite network might crank out. The other he had in Sean Spicer’s jar of cheese puffs, which he eats for complexion maintenance.
“Look at those dead babies,” the President exclaims. “This Assad guy is a monster. Why, he’s worse than Planned Parenthood. Let’s organize a hasty raid like we did in Yemen and get his ass.”
“Worse than Planned Parenthood? I wouldn’t go that far, Mr. President,” Steve Bannon, ever the voice of reason, replied. “Assad just kills babies. He does not provide birth control, STD testing or cancer screenings. We don’t need to wipe him off the face of the Earth like we do Planned Parenthood. Let’s just toss a couple Tomahawks at one of his favorite airfields.”
“All right, but it will be a good cruise missile strike. A beautiful missile strike. The best cruise missile strike.”
“And we’ll tell Putin in advance,” Bannon suggests.
“Why would we do that?”
“The tapes,” Bannon replies, tersely. “Plus, they can remove all their best stuff and their nicest airplanes from the target, and probably be able to use it the next day.”
“That sounds like a good plan. That sounds like the best plan. Hey Steve, why can’t we just bomb Planned Parenthood clinics?"
“It’s been tried, Mr. President. It’s been tried.”