"The President now realizes that allowing people to determine their own destinies is completely-wrong-headed. The next time a ruthless dictator is threatened by a popular uprising, the US will stand behind him one hundred percent."
I don’t see what the US could have done to stop the uprising in Egypt. The Egyptian Army allowed the whole thing to happen.
'The President now realizes that when the Egyptian Army refused to shoot their protesters, he should have sent the American Army in to shoot them instead. He apologizes to the former iron-fisted rulers of Tunisia, Yemen, Egypt and Libya, and vows nothing like that will happen again."
Apologize? To Qaddafi, especially? He's dead.
"And the President is really sorry about that. You just don't know what you've got 'till it's gone, I guess. Qaddifi was that kind of loose cannon, party-till-dawn international playboy terrorist that really added life to international relations. Those great robes, the zany troop of virgin Amazon bodyguards…the guy was just fun, fun, fun. And he could wear a pillbox hat like nobody since Jackie Kennedy."
I still don't see the point of apologizing to him.
"We don't either, frankly, but Barack is a compulsive apologizer, just like the Republicans say. He sneaks off to Andrews Air Force Base sometimes so he can write 'Sorry!' on the tips of those Hellfire missiles, right before he orders them fired at jihadists. Not that he's going to let up on al Qaeda. That's the whole point of this policy change. The President now realizes that any time people demand democracy, al Qaeda takes over."
So he's switching sides in Syria?
"Might be a little late for that, but future popular uprisings better beware the swift application of American force."
What if the Iranians revolted?
"Squash them like bugs. At least the Ayatollahs are predictable."
People are protesting by the thousands in Russia. What if that becomes full-blown civil unrest?
"We're not tipping our hand, but Pussy Riot better keep it quiet, if you know what I'm saying."
What if the North Koreans rose up against their Communist masters?
"Absolutely. We're not really worried about them, though…the North Korean people aren't that concerned about democracy. They're more worried about finding enough dirt to eat. But if push came to shove, we'd rather see rookie ruler Kim il Fat Kid in charge than al Qaeda."
There are violent protests going on in China right now, over some island or another…will Obama intervene?
"There? Doubtful. The Chinese are pretty reliable when it comes to shooting their own people."