These words, uttered by the sage Rush Limbaugh, in response to reports surfacing out of the Sony hack that movie execs were considering replacing the current, Caucasian-as-always James Bond with an African-British actor, kick off this year's controversy over the race of an imaginary person. You recall last year's, when Megyn Kelly of Fox News proclaimed that both Jesus and Santa were white.
In this year of racial fraughtness, note that Rush frankly admits he's being racist, which is progress. The first step is admitting you have a problem, as anyone who has ever started drinking tequila shots in Del Mar and ended up in the Tijuana jail with a black eye and wearing someone else's pants knows. Rush acknowledging his may eventually result in his recovery. Megyn Kelly, as far as we know here, is still unrepentant, meaning she has fallen behind Rush Limbaugh in racial insensitivity, which is like falling behind Peru in the space race.
James Bond is not actually believed in by his followers, whereas Santa and Jesus are. This is a distinction that may be clung to by proponents of Bond's Caucasianness but really, the only difference between them is that we know James Bond was invented by Ian Fleming, whose descendants still eagerly cash a check every time a Bond movie is made with a Bond of whatever race, whereas we don't really know who invented Santa Claus or Jesus, or, in the interests of being slightly less offensive, who decided Jesus walked the earth as a long-haired European male.
A better model for James Bond is Batman. Bond is a superhero as sure as Batman is, since he also has an unlimited budget and an incredible array of cool gadgets at his disposal. Bond's even better, really, since he doesn't have to perform his heroics in his stretch underwear and gets to drink and get laid a lot more. Also, Batman has to save the limited environs of Gotham City on a regular basis, whereas unless the entire world is trembling on the brink of destruction, don't bother getting James Bond out of bed.
And you could make Batman any race you want. And don't start whimpering that multi-millionaire Bruce Wayne is white. Black multi-millionaires are hardly a novelty in today's America. Kanye West could decide to become Batman tomorrow, just because he can afford it, plus he often seems that detached from reality.
If you're a real-life person with superheroic powers, when a movie gets made about you, you're stuck with your real-life race. Take the American Sniper, who is portrayed by the European-American actor Bradley Cooper in an upcoming movie, because the original American Sniper was white. This guy had the power to kill people from a distance, over and over again. But because he was real, he ended up getting shot to death by a PTSD nutbar in a shooting range and getting sued by Jesse Ventura after he was dead. That's what happens to real people sometimes, even real people with superpowers.
It would never happen to a James Bond of whatever ethnic persuasion. For example, when James Bond is escaping a trio of assassins by skiing down a mountain ahead of their machine-gun equipped snowmobiles, he never thinks to himself, "Hey, while learning to fire every weapon ever made and pilot every kind of plane, helicopter, tank, submarine and space shuttle ever designed just in case I needed to operate any random one to save the world again, I was being so busy I FORGOT TO TAKE SKI LESSONS AIEEEE!" Then he would fall on his face in the snow and get run over by the snowmobiles for a thrifty savings in machine-gun ammo for his evil enemies. That could easily happen to a non-imaginary hero. But not James Bond.
Or take the scene where Bond is tied up on the back of an evil luxury yacht with some eye-popping beauty, about to be thrown overboard and dragged to his death in shark-infested waters, because James Bond wouldn't consider taking a dip in any ocean that wasn't shark-infested. The Bond in this movie was Roger Moore, the fattest and oldest and hence the most Limbaughish Bond, so Rush must have seen this one. Bond's evil nemesis has once again not gotten the memo about shooting James Bond repeatedly as soon as you capture him and burning the body afterwards, otherwise he is for sure going to escape and thwart your monstrous plans again, so the nemesis has devised this stupidly complicated plan to kill 007.
Roger Moore turns to the EPB and says bravely "We're not dead yet." We at this publication remember hearing that line and thinking bitterly, "Jesus, somebody got paid to write that?" Then the evils toss Bond and the beauty overboard by a towline and gun up the yacht to put an end to him. Somehow Bond persuades one of the sharks to bite the towline clean through, then he and the beauty swim to the bottom of the ocean, where Bond just happens to have buried an oxygen tank within breath-holding distance. They finish off the evil nemesis and save the world as easily as Rush Limbaugh finishes off a box of popcorn chicken, and go back to the spot to have triumphant underwater sex.
It's just as believable that a black guy could do this as well as a white guy is what we think here. We're waiting for Rush's response. We're pretty sure it's going to be "I know I'm being racist here, but black guys can't swim."