The cell phone was suspected of containing text messages from two NFL locker room assistants, messages like "What kind of pressure do you like on your balls, Mr. Brady?" and "You can come over and squeeze my mine anytime to see if they feel right to you, sir," messages that would have incriminated the handsome, personality-challenged QB in the soft ball scandal.
Brady, in this post from TMZ, says he destroyed his cell phone just by coincidence on the same day that the NFL wanted to scroll through his texts because he decided that it was a "piece of sh*t," although detractors of Brady claim he did it because he suddenly realized the device remembered every ball-related text he had ever sent or received.
Brady went on to say he replaced the Samsung with an iPhone, and endorsed the Apple product as superior, perhaps in an effort to make lemons out of lemonade and start himself on the kind of advertising career that Peyton Manning already owns.
The TMZ post that reports this scandal also contains a link to another post titled "Tom Brady—Never Messed With Balls in College." This ambiguous headline does not make it clear whether Brady non-messed with his own balls or did not mess with other people's balls as well.
In other Super Bowl XLIX (pronounced "ex licks"—sure, you can but "balls" on the end of it if you want to have some fun) wrap-up news, quarterback Russell Wilson, who had a lot more to do with the Seahawks losing the game than Brady did with winning it, revealed he threw the brainlessly bad interception that ended the game because "God was testing" him. Whether God miraculously made the Patriot defender standing right in front of him on the play invisible to Wilson, or whether He just divinely guided the ball out of his hand and into the meathooks of said defender, Wilson does not say, adding only "It was a test. If you're an important Christian like me, God just pulls you over now and again, and if the line you walk ain't straight enough, Jesus gives you a Breathalyzer."
The number of Seahawk fans who worship Wilson is said to be dwindling.