Fourteen innocent Americans get raped by dolphins every year. Just type this in the search bar on Google if you don't believe me. The most burning question about this fact, to my mind, is how do the dolphins know how to stop at fourteen? In their language of clicks and whistles, is there a phrase that means "We're up to fourteen now, guys, and it's been fun, but now you have to keep it between your fins until January 1st?"
Only Flipper knows. This post does not mean to make light of dolphin rape, or shame its victims, or shift the blame to them by pointing out that they were swimming in the sea in revealing bikinis, maybe making a few clicks and whistles at passing dolphins themselves, and therefore were "asking for it," when they were attacked by a sexual predator from the deep.
No, dolphins have a reputation among other marine mammals as the frat boys of the ocean. According to information available on the Internet, they maintain "rape caves" beneath the waves, where they pass their victims around while telling crude jokes and drinking. If Greek letters could be translated into clicks and whistles, they'd probably be posted at the entrance.
I can hear you dolphin apologists now. Well, considering the number of dolphins and humans in the ocean together, fourteen isn't so bad. I mean most colleges and universities, especially the ones in the South, can match that level of sexual assault every homecoming weekend.
That is not the point. The point is we do nothing to discourage this behavior. While human rapists are sometimes caught and punished, often with severe consequences like being suspended from the football team, we continue to simper over dolphins, swimming with them, watching them play with beach balls, throwing them mackerel snacks. I ask you, if Jared Fogle learned to jump through a hoop for a dead fish, would we let him sell us sandwiches again? The answer is a resounding NO!
It is time to turn our backs on these finned assailants. What can you do to stop dolphin rape? There are no magnetic ribbons or months when we all wear some odd color to express anti-dolphinism with a useless gesture like we have for other ills that plague us, so we have to start at the individual level. Don't go to dolphin shows. If you are on a boat, and you see dolphins swimming alongside, as they are wont to do, don't ooh and ahh at them. Remind yourself that they are daydreaming about you falling overboard so they can take you to pound town. If you find yourself with a bucket of sardines, overcome the urge to toss them into a dolphin's jaws, no matter how much he seems to be smiling at you. Find a sea lion to feed them to instead.
And if you have any dolphin-safe tuna in your home, THROW IT OUT NOW!
For Part One, click here