The Presidential hairpiece released a short statement, saying it was “honored to serve under President Trump, although technically, I served over him. The work of campaigning with him, which for me involved getting stuffed under a red baseball cap every time he went outside, was very rewarding. The pressure of being eyed at suspiciously by everyone around him anytime someone turned on a fan I regarded as just being part of my job.
“The President was the best boss I could have ever asked for. He knew I was key to him getting laid. He cared for me meticulously, lacquering me down with so much hairspray that I was often less permeable that a football helmet and shampooing me immediately if I got the least little bit of urine in me. He once spanked Jared for snickering at me—that shows how close we were. And Stormy Daniels ran her hands over every bit of him except me. But my time of being taped on to the head of the Leader of the Free World has come to an end. It has been a gratifying experience, and I wish my successor the best of luck. If you have any other questions, you may ask the lawyer that I, like everybody else who has resigned from here, was forced to hire.”
Asked if this, another high-level resignation, indicated a dangerous level of chaos and disorganization in the Trump White House, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders snapped, “Contrary to what you might hear in the fake media, the President and his hair were never that close.” Asked about the timing of the resignation, Sanders replied, “The writing was on the wall for that wig as soon as we suspected that Obama had wiretapped the Hair Club for Men.”