Both my readers have pointed out that I write from a guy's point of view in The Complete Guide to Computer Dating. One insists that I just write like a guy, period. Like all guys, I respond very sensitively to criticism, so I decided to experience computer dating from a woman's point of view.
I should make it clear (and I usually do, to my dates) that I feel sorry for hetero women for having to date men. We're short-sighted, bad-tempered, self-indulgent, self-important braggarts driven entirely by our sex urges. Those of us who are mature, that is. Men between twenty-five and forty are mere raging cages of poorly controlled hormonal impulses.
Males between puberty and twenty-five are just support systems for an erection.
This was just my personal opinion before I proved it beyond any reasonable doubt by becoming a woman. No surgery or psychotherapy was involved; I simply borrowed a fifteen-year old picture of a woman I once knew, cut and pasted a few of the most boring female dating profiles I have ever read together, put together a short but vapid list of interests, made my girl thirty-two (for nostalgia's sake) and posted the fake profile on one of the free sites, which shall remain nameless because I'm pretty sure it was a violation of their Terms of Service.
My girl specified that she was looking for a long-term monogamous relationship, as she wished to discourage merely getting hit on. Might as well have wished for a year's worth of winning lottery numbers. I meant to leave her profile up a whole day, but I had to take it down after twenty-two hours, as I didn't have the time to sort through the responses.
During that time period she received twenty-eight emails plus sixteen other notices that people wanted to meet her or had added her as a favorite. When I would go online, just to read her messages, the guys who had already emailed her would IM her, sometimes plaintively, asking why my girl hadn't got back to their message of fifteen minutes previous yet.
Some of the things I discovered about my fellow men:
1. We can't spell.
2. We can't use spell check, either.
3. We aren't in touch with our shortcomings. A thirty-year old correspondent admitted he "doesn't understand women." On his "Interests" section, he lists "whiskey." I see cause and effect here. Another 27-year old applicant for my girl's attentions listed one of his interests as "drinking."
4. We don't really observe the limits people set for us. My girl was looking for men between the ages of thirty and forty; the vast majority of her messages were from guys under twenty-five.
5. Guys under twenty-five think the highest complement they can give a woman is to tell her she "seems pretty chill."
Some emails stood out from the others, and so did some of the profiles. One twenty-one year old offered to take my girl out to "a bad-ass dinner." I supposed he could have meant a bad-ass diner, considering the way the rest of his email was spelled, but the offer is still incomprehensible.
Some older guys applied for my girl's affections. One 57-year old politician (his username was northcountymayor) wanted me to be "honest about my feelings and thoughts." Okay, I think you're an idiot for trying to date a 32-year old. Another gentleman in his early sixties wanted my girl to visit him on his "berry farm in Canada" this summer. Come and watch my berries grow What woman's heart wouldn't beat faster?
Other charmers included a guy who claimed to possess a graduate degree but worked as a "bodyguard—truck driver" (who knows—maybe he went to school on a Mexican drug cartel scholarship) and another claimed "I've got so much love to give--want in on any of it?"
Even a woman with the deepest possible longings for male companionship might consider these offers resistible. My favorite was a twenty-one year old who promised on his profile "ill be your best friend but i will b ur worst enemy if u decide to use me," apparently thinking that most women are eager to fly into the arms of their future stalkers.
Any woman that posts an attractive picture on a dating site is going to get slammed with offers like those above. My girl received less outrageous emails, but none of them stood out as particularly irresistible. A middle-aged woman that I know likes the variety of online dating. "It's like a supermarket," is what she says, but she is seeking only non-committed relationships.
No, you can't have her email, guys.
She's not unique on the girls' side, but she's definitely in the minority. This is the bad news, fellow dudes. You way outnumber the girls that are looking for short-term sex. Your supermarket is more like a grocery store in Cuba, where you take a number and wait in a long line to get your hands on a couple of turnips.
Another attractive woman I know had the opposite reaction. She hated being online so much she canceled her account after only a few days. She couldn't stand the bombardment of emails, to which she felt compelled to respond. She was certain all the men who contacted her only wanted sex. This impression was reinforced by a guy who not only contacted her but also two of her friends who were also online and offered all three a lifetime of monogamous love. All in identically worded emails. It's not often that the girls get together to compare notes in virtual reality, but when they do it's just as bad as when it happens in real reality. They all live in a small community, so this guy might as well have tattooed "Do Not Sleep with Me" on his forehead. Word is he's thinking about moving to El Centro.