“We had really uncovered a boatload of evidence that it was Putin, the ex-KGB agent, busy, busy murderer and Oligarch of All the Oligarchs, who wanted Trump to be President, from the boatloads of cash the Russian prez had funneled to the Trump campaign to the disinformation war he waged on social media on Trump’s behalf, to all of those Democratic emails he had hacked and released, which no one, including ourselves, has actually read but which we all presumed to be horrifying, but now that the White House has revealed that it was actually God who pushed Trump over the finish line in 2016, what’s the point of all this investigating?”
When pressed for further explanation, the spokesman said, “Look, God is way out of our jurisdiction. People were already smirking about our pointlessly indicting those 13 Russians, because they’re never going to be extradited—they’re just going to sit over in Smolensk until they die, splitting a bottle of vodka with a different hooker every day, no matter what they did to us. God is even less likely to show up in court.
“Besides, as soon as Ms. Sanders announced that it was God who ordained Trump to be President, all of our targets changed their stories. Roger Stone confessed that it was not Guccifer 2.0, but the Angel Gabriel who had appeared to him to reveal the Word about Wikileaks. Paul Manafort said that he had been spreading the Gospel in the Ukraine, not collecting shady consulting fees and splitting bribes without registering as a foreign agent, and Trump Jr said that he was really thinking prayerfully about those Russian orphans after all, and that collecting dirt on Hillary was the last thing on his Christian mind when he took that Trump Tower Meeting.”
When asked if there was anyone who was still in legal danger from the Mueller probe, the spokesman replied, “Kushner, maybe, because he’s a Jew.”