“There is zero training value (in putting a chubby in the clouds),” a spokesman for the Navy admitted.
The willy in the wild blue yonder was criticized by some observers on the ground, including one mother who said she was worried she might have to explain what the high-flying dong was to her young children.
The Navy replied, “Well, if you have a boy child, he already knows what it is. And if you have girl-children, they’ll find out soon enough. Sooner than you want them to, for sure.”
No. The Navy did not actually say that. What the Navy said was "Sophomoric and immature antics of a sexual nature have no place in Naval aviation today, and added that the men were “rebuked.” Which was kind of boring. “They got their wieners whacked,” would have been a more synchronized description of the disciplinary action, in the opinion of this column.
The Navy also denied that Louis CK was aboard the aircraft.
But that was it. These guys expressed their testosterony brohood by using the taxpayer’s dime to draw a wang in the heavens, instead of settling for scribbling images of penises all over the stalls of filthy rural restrooms, which is what most guys who live to illustrate the world with handwritten hard-ons do. The crew’s only regret was that they were unable to land on time to take a selfie with it, probably.
But no one has yet said that the schlong above was a sign of the Apocalypse, giving this column a chance to step up.
Apocalypse news has been really crappy lately, with only regular end-timers like Stephen Hawking (who, in his dull scientific way, still gives us a thousand years) and that guy who has been predicting the Rapture for every weekend since Labor Day.
So, I want you people out there to do some research. Find me a Bible that says, “Lo, the sun will vanish from the sky, the moon will turn to blood, and a proud phallus will rise from the clouds.”
And check that Mayan calendar again, as here we’re very skeptical that ancient natives were capable of carving a bunch of stuff into a stone wheel without including at least one dick pic.
And Nostradamus? Please let’s discover his writings warned us of a “hovering prick,” right before Jesus appears to check us all out of this existence.
Of course, that warning could mean the Navy’s pecker in space, or, in another interpretation, it could just refer to Trump.
Either way, we're all doomed.