PAUL RYAN: (entering a secret chamber in the basement of the Capitol and addressing JEB BUSH, MITT ROMNEY and JOHN KASICH) I’ve just come back from my meeting with Donald Trump and I have great news for all of you. Trump is willing to release all of his delegates at the Republican convention!
JEB BUSH: Yay! That means I can be President!
JOHN KASICH: Or me!
MITT ROMNEY: Or me!
PAUL RYAN: (Severely) Or me. There’s a catch, though—in order to get Trump to release his delegates, we have to have a National Donald Trump Appreciation Day.
JOHN KASICH: I don’t see a problem with that. Already Hillary Clinton appreciates him. She’s so excited about running against him I hear she has to change her granny panties three times a day.
JEB BUSH: That’s pretty disrespectful of women, John.
JOHN KASICH: If I’m going to replace the guy, I have to adopt at least some of his positions. Listen to me. Great piece of ass. Disgusting breast feeders. Bimbos. You know I’m sounding like a winner now, right?
JEB BUSH: (ignoring KASICH) I don’t see a problem with that. It would be like St. Patrick’s Day, I’m thinking. Except with orange hair instead of green hats, and everybody forgets about it the next day.
PAUL RYAN: He’s asking for a little more than that. I mean, obviously the details have to be worked out, but the first one is nobody else in the US can Tweet anything during DT Appreciation Day.
MITT ROMNEY: Impossible. People can’t live without Twitter.
PAUL RYAN: They can re-Tweet anything he posts, so there’s a little breathing room there. Second, Trump gets to carry the nuclear “football” all day.
JEB BUSH: Impossible. That’s solely the President’s job. I mean, my brother let me touch it a few times…
MITT ROMNEY: (sotto voce) Fondle it, you mean.
JEB BUSH: But he never gave me the launch codes.
PAUL RYAN: Fortunately, he doesn’t want the launch codes. He just wants to hold it on his lap while Megyn Fox interviews him, which I think is reasonable. The unexpected thing is, Trump doesn’t want Trump Appreciation Day to be all about him. He wants all rich guys over 65 with hot foreign wives who wouldn’t lay one hooker-looking manicured fingernail on them if they weren’t wallowing in greenbacks to be able to buy anything they want without paying sales tax all day. I mean, your jewelry, yacht and private jet sales are really going to take off during DTA Day, so a genuine boost for the economy there to help it recover from the way Obama's ruined it.
JEB BUSH: I think that’s a small price to pay for Bush III.
MITT ROMNEY: The nation’s first Mormon President will proclaim it. Once a year.
JOHN KASICH: Schlonged. Pig.
PAUL RYAN: There’s another problem. The candidate wants Donald Trump Day to occur more than once a year.
MITT ROMNEY: Unprecedented. Nothing happens more than once a year. At least that’s what Anne tells me, when I want to have sex with her.
JEB BUSH: Under the new, improved, Bush Administration we’re not going to go off our rockers in the Middle East again, promise, but we will be happy to honor Donald Trump spring and fall. Or winter and summer. Or the day before Christmas and after 4th of July. Whatever.
PAUL RYAN: Donald actually had a tighter schedule in mind.
MITT ROMNEY: What? Monthly?
PAUL RYAN: He’s actually thinking Donald Trump Appreciation Day should be held every Monday that’s not already a holiday. When there’s already a holiday, he’s willing to bump it to Tuesday.
JEB BUSH: (Holding his fingers in front of his face as if he was looking through binoculars) I could see a certain political scion with glasses and a Hispanic wife presiding over a Monday-less America.
MITT ROMNEY: Me first, loser.
JEB BUSH: You were the first loser!
PAUL RYAN: Actually, I was the one with the conference with The Donald, so I was the first one to agree to his terms. Start thinking about President Ryan, bitches.
MITT ROMNEY: (snarling) You ungrateful whelp! (He assaults Ryan. Jeb Bush jumps in, too. Shouts of “Watch the glasses” from Bush and “Watch the hair” from Romney ring out as Ryan attempts to put both of them into Altar Boy Submission Holds).
JOHN KASICH: Pre-nup. Fat menstruating animal. Hey, this is fun.