If elected, I promise to be a different kind of President. For example, at least once a week I will personally lead a White House tour. Yes, at any Monday through Friday, some lucky group of visitors will not be guided through the halls of American history by some fusty government docent, but by the actual President. They will be giddy with patriotic joy as I show them the rooms where Lincoln was shot and Washington slept.
I will conduct a strong foreign policy. You will not catch me on any "apology tours." I may go on a "subtle insult tour," or a "veiled sardonic reference tour," if the mood strikes me, but there will be no mea culpas for America on my watch.
Those who oppose American interests around the world will experience swift, decisive action from my Administration. If Putin invades someplace, I will retaliate by whipping off my shirt and shooting a tiger. I may play the "North Korean card," by making a diplomatic opening to the People's Republic. Yes, I will go to North Korea. And challenge Kim Jong Un to join me on a diet.
I will drink Angela Merkel under the table.
As far as domestic policy goes, I will fight for the middle class, and by that I don't mean in some metaphorical way. I mean in the octagon. Anybody that wants to fight against the middle class can put on the gloves and go toe-to-toe with me, after I train for a few weeks. Only three, three-minute rounds, though, because I'll be a busy man. And my well-armed Secret Service detail will be on my side.
But enough of that, I hear you, my fellow Americans, saying. What makes you think you can win the Republican nomination? What about all the other Republicans that are running?
Well, there are a crap-ton of them. But I stand head and shoulders above the rest. I do respect Ted Cruz for being the first one to shout "Shotgun!" when the doors to this election's Republican clown car opened. But unlike Ted, a Hispanic who was born in Canada, I am a natural, native-born American with a long-form birth certificate to prove it. But since I'm white, no one will ask me for it. Unlike Rand Paul, I wear no sneaky hair-weave over my proudly bald head. Unlike Marco Rubio, I have never been tempted to shout "Polo!" when addressed by my first name. Unlike Jeb Bush, none of my relatives has ever been President, so no faint whiff of political incest will ever waft around my White House.
Unlike Chris Christie, I have never intentionally caused a traffic jam. Sure, there was that incident with the big rig and the Taste the Rim Asian Cuisine lunch truck and myself that backed up the 5 just south of Santa Ana for most of a Friday afternoon, but as I explained to the investigating officers, my vehicle was stopped because I was trying to grab a pair of chopsticks from the lunch truck so I could eat the bowl of Udon noodles I had ordered while I was stuck next to it in traffic because I couldn't resist the smell wafting from it any longer. It was the big rig that rear-ended me and jackknifed, not the other way around. AND I WAS NOT TEXTING AT THE TIME, as the rumor mills and the twenty-four hour news cycle would have it.
As for the rest of the Republican field, from Bobby Jindal to Carly Fiorina to that black doctor guy, I have better name recognition, at least among my neighbors and the local police.
I will be the first non-Christian President. I will also be non-Jewish, non-Muslim, non-Buddhist and non-everything else, so all prayer breakfasts will be canceled until further notice, resulting in a hefty savings in bacon-and-egg money to you, the taxpayer.
I will also be the first President with a live-in girlfriend instead of a formal spouse. What you, my fellow Americans, will call her is up to you. First Tootsie, First Bestie, First Main Squeeze—all will be acceptable to me. None will be acceptable to her. That you can count on.
What a second, I hear you saying. We're all familiar with your positions. You badmouth the NRA. You're against gigantic tax breaks for gazillionaires. We've never heard you say anything negative about gay marriage, unions, or Mexicans. You're in favor of global warming, true, but only because warmer ocean temperatures around San Diego mean local sport-fishing is really kicking ass. You don't sound like a Republican. You sound more like a Democrat.
Well, that's true. But I regard that as a positive for my campaign. I am the only Democrat running for the Republican nomination. But then there's only one Democrat running for the Democratic one, really. So everything works out.
See you at the polls in 2016!