"It's not that my father doesn't represent the same solid proposals for America's future that he always has," Ivanka hastened to add. "Reforming Social Security by giving every American over 65 an exciting free pull on one of his slot machines every month instead of a boring old check will still be the cornerstone of his domestic policy. Abroad, he knows he can intimidate Putin, or any other short, balding foreign leader by flipping his comb-over right in their pinched, grumpy, ruler of a second-rate-power faces. But the real reason he's running is that Jenner is trying to outshine him as America's biggest media whore.
"The Donald, or as I call him, The Father, has always taken pride in his position as America's number 1 media male prostitute. He wants to be thanked for his graciousness towards America's female media whores. He admires the accomplishments of the Kardashian sisters and Paris Hilton in the field of pointless notoriety and wants to make it plain he is not jealous of their ability to set the Internet ablaze by balancing a glass on their asses or having their sex tapes for sale at every newstand.
"But he will not take second place to another man, even if that man is now a woman. And he is certainly not going to tape down his genitals and pose for the cover of a national magazine in a onesie, although he wants it known that Sports Illustrated has been begging him to do so.
"No, he is mounting another irrelevant yet pointedly offensive campaign for the Presidency, because that is what he does best. To the other Republican candidates, he has only one thing to say—he wants in on those debates. He is especially looking forward to going toe-to-toe in the arena of flamboyant incomprehensibility with Ben Carson. During the debates, he may also offer to have sex with Carly Fiorina, because he believes the only thing that would motivate a woman to run for President is that she hasn't yet found a man who can satisfy her. And that goes double for Hillary.
"To Jenner, and to all the other self-promoting media gigolos out there—the Duggars, the Duck people, Kanye West and that chef guy whom he especially pities because he can only be a jerk in the kitchen instead of being an ambassador of a-hole to all the world, he has only one thing to say—eat my shorts."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Speaking of media whores, it is only a few weeks before the new Terminator film comes out, with 67-year old Arnold Schwarzenegger reprising his role as a murderous robot from the future. Although details about the film are being kept under close wrap, rumor has it that Schwarzenegger utters a slightly edited version of his most famous line from the original Terminator:
"I'll be bock...right after my nap."