For example, Louisiana leads the nation in gonorrhea, while neighboring Mississippi tops the obesity charts. Anyone who has ever visited either of these states is hardly surprised by that. Unprotected sex with an overweight person is a major regional pastime in the Gulf states, and the locals offer it to visitors as well as each other. It’s tough to notice your genitals are infected when you haven’t seen them since Katrina blew through, and if you’re set on breaking the porch off the house with some Southern-style rutting, you’re not about to squeeze back inside to grab a condom first.
If you’re a woman in Nebraska, you live in the worst state for violence on females, but don’t drive north to escape it, for then you’re in South Dakota—The Rape State. The mid-Atlantic region is the Triple A of state problems—Arson, Abortion and Aids.
Many binge drinkers from Wisconsin retire to Arizona to enjoy the sunny weather and their new-found freedom to add weekday boozing to their weekend benders among their fellow elderly alcoholics. Coloradans are already bored with legal weed and need cocaine for their illicit thrills. Utah-beings are a bunch of Mormon wankers, just as everybody suspected.
Florida leads the nation in identity theft, because it is chock-full of ancients and you always seem to be stuck behind some old party writing a check at the supermarket. After a while you realize that just screaming “NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE!” at them doesn’t work, and the only effective action you can take to stop them is to steal their checkbooks.
West Virginia leads the US in heart attacks because it’s a poor idea to climb mountains after a lifetime of eating something fried in Crisco at every meal. It’s the Chest Pain state. Those Montanan drunk drivers are streaming out of North Dakota in the middle of the night because they don’t want to wake up next to their ugly North Dakotan dates.
New Mexicans are anti-social because there’s not much else to do there, and there’s plenty of room to be anti-social in. If your idea of sport is watching homeless people trying to stay dry, go to Oregon. Thelma and Louise should have retired to Oklahoma instead of crashing into the Grand Canyon.
There are bright spots on the map, though—South Carolina, which tops the chart in mobile homes, is far away from Minnesota, the Tornado State, and while Maine may be the dumbest state, they are at least an educated bunch of dopes compared to Texans.
Ohio is the nerdiest state, which hardly seems like a flaw at all compared to Alaska, where people go to breathe their last on the Last Frontier.
My own adopted state proudly leads the nation in the rather boring category of smog production. My former home state of Hawaii leads the nation in cost of living, but as we Hawaiians know, the reason that the cost of living in Hawaii is so high is the same reason divorce is so expensive.
It's worth it.