Feisty blonde Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen immediately embraced Merkley's critique. “That’s what the wall has been missing,” she enthused. “A little dynamism. Sure, we want a big beautiful wall to symbolize what is good, white and monolingual about America, but, you know, it’s just going to sit there. True, if you use a little imagination you can see it as giving a gigantic middle finger to every country south of San Diego, but if we equip every Border Patrol officer on the top of it with a nice hot bucket of Dark Ages-style tar to pour on any stray caravans they might spot, it really increases the deterrent effect.”
When asked if Homeland had any more plans to use medieval fighting techniques to defend the border, Nielsen replied, “We’re still brainstorming over here, but some of the undersecretaries are excited about moats, especially out on Arizona, where there aren’t any natural water barriers. And those giant showers of arrows in any movie about knights always look cool, and would have a great deterrent effect on refugees. I mean, who wants a piercing dart from the sky to hit them right in the anchor baby?
“But what really gets us stoked from the medieval weapons catalogue are the catapults. I mean, America is the nation that put a man on the moon. Who says we can’t build some kind of catapult-rail gun combo that could hurl a giant rock all the way to Guatemala? Hit ‘em where they live, baby! And that way, people can’t criticize us for shooting people who hurl rocks with guns, because we’re just throwing rocks back at them. True, gigantic rocks that land with the force of a meteor, but that’s a lesson these refugees need to learn—don’t bring a slingshot to a catapult fight.”