Firmly convinced that the toothy young socialist has somewhere along the line dropped a sex tape like Paris Hilton or a common Kardashian, GOP operatives are looking for it like it was the One Ring. They are trying to keep their expectations low, but there’s an undercurrent of excitement about what the tape could ultimately be found to contain.
“If it turns out that it’s just her and her boyfriend getting it on like any common heterosexual couple, that would be okay, as long as she’s moaning ‘Green New Deal! Green New Deal!’ every time she climaxes, and he’s grunting “’Medicare for All!’ as he dives into her sin cave,” said one Republican dirty trickster, who declined to be identified for this interview.
“But some of us are hoping for more. It could be a full-on leftist orgy, with Ocasio-Cortez getting ravished by multiple men, women, transgenders and a few lucky homeless veterans while she’s lying on a copy of the Constitution. Bernie Sanders would be presiding over the whole sex party, wearing nothing but his glasses and a Santa Claus beard. All the Democratic presidential candidates, all twenty-eight or so of them, would be lined up, pants-less or pants-suitless, waiting their turn for AOC’s sweet, social-democratic yoni.”
I highly doubt such a tape exists.
“Oh, it exists, all right. There’s only one problem. Melania’s in it, too.”