'It's over. Finished. Ka-put." he said. "At first, we thought it was a great idea. Treat women like any other minority group that everyone fears or at least finds distasteful, like gays, Muslims or Mexicans and garner votes by bullying them around. Then we discovered that only Republican men are afraid of women. Further research revealed that women are, in fact, 52% of the voting population. So the war on them is over. As a matter of fact, we never started one in the first place."
What do you mean by that? What about the grand pooh-bah of the Right, Rush Limbaugh, calling Sandra Fluke a "slut" for wanting her insurance to pay for birth control?
"No sensible Republican would ever disagree with Rush about anything. The whole controversy should never have happened. People misunderstood Limbaugh because he was speaking to his base. When we Republicans refer to women as "sluts" we actually regard it as a term of endearment. We in the GOP love sluts, especially since most of our wives quite sensibly refuse to have sex with us. Who wants to bed down night after night with a bloated, pasty, drunken golf addict? Sluts, that's who! The Miami sex industry is gearing up big-time for the Republican convention. Most of our to-do lists read 1. Prayer breakfast. 2. Lap dance or three. 3. Massage parlor, for the happiest ending until Obama gets defeated. 4. Nominate candidate."
Really? What about when Limbaugh defended himself by whining that rappers use terms like 'bitches" and "ho's" in their music constantly and nobody complains about them?
We Rush fans agree with our man Limbaugh. We think that a guy who's pretending to be a respected political commentator should not be held to a higher standard than men who are pretending to be pimps and drug dealers. Case closed.
What if your Presidential candidate is Rick Santorum, who thinks the states should be able to enact their own laws against contraceptives?
"Strong independent women, the kind we Republicans admire, are too proud to let someone else pay for their birth control. When we force them to drive across state lines to buy morning after pills or get abortions, we are admiring their strength and determination the entire time they're doing it. We Republican men wish we could demonstrate our personal responsibility by paying for our own Viagra, but most insurance companies force some kind of coverage on us."
Speaking of states, what about the states that want women to be forced to listen to a fetal heartbeat before they can get an abortion?
"We're recommending that most of those states stick a rider in those bills that says that instead of listening to a fetal heartbeat, a woman will have the option of hearing a cover of 'She's Gonna Listen to Her Heart" instead. We Republicans are huge Tom Petty fans."
I hear in Kansas that one legislator wants women to pay state sales tax on abortions.
"That's a clear example of where the biased liberal press are making our friends of the female sex oversensitive on this issue. They can have any other kind of medical procedure without being taxed, including everything from getting gallstones out to double organ transplants. And certainly we Republican males aren't trying to do anything really radical, like taxing breast augmentation. Those Kansas guys are just trying to raise a little revenue. No one complains that if we raise the beer tax, it falls mostly on men lolling in front of their TV sets watching ESPN."
Georgia state legislator Tom England just went on record comparing women to farm animals. What do you say to that?
"How can women complain about that? Tom is just trying to say that women are cuddly and wonderful, like cows, goats or ducks, or any other valuable farm animal that we can use for its meat or milk."
What about the Wisconsin tate legislator who says that when a woman ends up with an unwanted pregnancy, it is always entirely her fault?
"That's our way of paying tribute to the wonderful female reproductive system. The uterus, the ovaries, those watchamacallit tubes. It's just gloriously begging to be impregnated. What are our simple Republican gonads in comparison?"
I think the girls would agree, not much.
"See? Peace is at hand."