KINGMAKER: The results of our private interviews with the candidates are in, gentlemen, and they are not good.
CASHCOW: Amen to that, brother.
BAGMAN: I've been out of the loop on this. I know none of the candidates are perfect, but surely one must have produced positives.
KINGMAKER; (Wearily) You tell him, Cashcow.
CASHCOW: The best we've got is Romney. He hasn't made any major mistakes yet, but our private polls show that most Americans will not vote for a guy who's spent more money on his teeth than they have on their houses.
BAGMAN: I have to admit, I don't like the teeth myself, but we've got plenty of other candidates. I still think Bachmann can make it. We push her back in, turn on the money pipeline, maybe she has a strategic wardrobe malfunction…
KINGMAKER: (Sharply) Forget her, Bagman. We gave her the foreign policy test. The one we made up after Sarah Palin screwed up the ticket in '08. It's simple enough…
CASHCOW: Name ten foreign countries. That's all you have to do.
BAGMAN: (Disbelievingly) And she couldn't?
KINGMAKER: Used Canada twice and Nova Scotia once to make it to ten.
BAGMAN: People don't like voting for eggheads anyway. What about Perry?
CASHCOW: He did a little better. Mexico is a foreign country. New Mexico, however, is not. Still an F.
BAGMAN: We've still got grandfatherly old Newt.
KINGMAKER: Gingrich? The problem with him is voters apparently believe he's a new guy coincidentally named Newt Gingrich. Once they find out he's the same guy that shut down the government, bitched about his seat on Air Force and told his wife he wanted a divorce while she was being treated for cancer, his support vanishes.
BAGMAN: Then we've just got to grit our teeth and get behind Santorum. I don't see any other way out.
CASHCOW: Well, we need to find one. Santorum's on record as being in favor of banning abortion even in cases of rape and incest. A dramatic enough position, and when we pressed him about it in his interview, it turns out he's been misunderstanding the question all along. He's from western Pennsylvania, you know…
KINGMAKER: Known to Eastern Pennsylvanians as Pennsyl-tucky, or Baja West Virginia…
CASHCOW: And it turns out he's just in favor of rape and incest, period.
BAGMAN: Oh, my.
KINGMAKER: I tell you, gentleman, the situation is so desperate, last night I got down on my knees and prayed. Ordinarily, I know we leave praying to the voters, but I looked at our candidates and asked God for a miracle. Anything, although I was privately wishing for Him to raise Ronald Reagan or even Abraham Lincoln from the dead. And to my astonishment, the Lord answered.
BAGMAN: He's going to make Chris Christie run! We're saved!
KINGMAKER: Even better, although the name is similar.
CASHCOW: You mean? (awestruck) The Son?
KINGMAKER: Yes. He will return in glory to accept the Republican nomination.
BAGMAN: Wasn't that return originally scheduled for the Day of Judgment?
KINGMAKER: And the Republican nod for the Presidency isn't just as important? (looks coolly at Bagman) Fortunately, His Father is a better Republican than you, apparently. He's the one that did the arm-twisting on this.
CASHCOW: What about the legal issues? I don't mean to sound irreverent, but He's not a native-born American.
KINGMAKER: I think being carried down from Heaven by angels onto the stage in Tampa Bay at the height of the convention beats being born here all to hell anyway. And half the electorate believes Obama wasn't born here, either, so it's a wash. We can sweep every state except maybe Massachusetts, but we could even take that if Romney doesn't sulk and campaigns for Him there.
CASHCOW: (excitedly) My God, this solves all our problems! Global warming—we won't have to deny it anymore—it'll just be a part of His plan! Immigration! When Jesus tells those Mexicans they'd better head south, they'll genuflect all the way there! Terrorism! When it's Jesus versus jihad, I don't like jihad's chances. Not to mention the obvious--we'll lock up the Christian right forever and ever.
BAGMAN: (excitedly) Amen! All we have to do is figure out how to divvy up the Cabinet posts!
(While the operators are high-fiving, an AIDE comes in and whispers to Kingmaker)
KINGMAKER: (Slumping dejectedly) Never mind Him. Forget the whole thing. (Shakes his head wistfully) Back to the drawing board. He failed the background check.
CASHCOW: (Loudly) YOU RAN A BACKGROUND CHECK ON THE SON OF GOD?
KINGMAKER: Keep it down! Of course I did. It was routine. Glad I checked, though. (Leaning in. Sotto voce) Did either of you guys know He was Jewish?