The proposal was widely mocked for being inherently racist—why not just an "Older Guy Appreciation Day?" was widely heard from Tucker's critics—but as a key member of the demographic in question, I think it is my duty to be at the forefront of this groundswell of love for OWG's, and the last thing we're being is racist. We all know that if you need someone to play the boogie-woogie piano or end an apartheid regime, an Older Black Guy may be just the ticket. Fine. Someone can start a day for them.
Similarly, we're not being sexist. We appreciate Older White Women more than anybody else. Some of us even remain married to them, while the rest pay our alimony more or less on time.
Also, we are well aware that some OWG's already have all the appreciation they can handle. Brad Pitt just turned fifty, which makes him an OWG in anybody's book, and he has twelve or so kids trained to worship him, along with the rest of the girl portion of the human race. Once again, we're not being racist here, just like FOX News isn't being racist. We freely note that Morgan Freeman gets a container ship full of appreciation from his fans every day. I'm not sure how old Morgan Freeman is, but he's got that one show where he's always talking about the Big Bang as if he was sitting on the lawn for it.
We know it's tough for the rest of you to appreciate the rest of us sometimes, especially when we're cutting your allowance or telling you to shut that goddam rap music off. And even when you're feeling it, showing your love for us can be complicated—unlike other population segments, such as Young Gay Guys, we Older White Guys seldom work for tips.
But the important thing is for us to own our holiday, because if we don't, it will just turn into another day that only Hallmark pays attention to, like Grandparent's Day or Secretaries' Day. This column has always been keenly holiday-centric so allow us to make a few proposals here:
Nothing says Important Holiday like traditions, so we'll start off OWG Appreciation Day with a parade in New York, whose main attraction will be gigantic helium balloons in the shape of Viagra pills and the Cialis bathtub being walked down Fifth Avenue by NFL cheerleaders. Us OWG's are old enough to know that there is no Santa Claus, so no pile of presents has to appear under a tree that we resent because no matter what we get, we know we're still going to have to throw the thing out and vacuum the rug up afterwards tomorrow. We enjoy the simple things anyway, so we'll be satisfied with something humble yet memorable, like having lunch served to us by a working stripper. Then those of us who haven't been told to quit drinking by our doctors yet will suds away the afternoon, saluting the achievements of former OWG's, like Guinness, Heineken and Sam Adams. All reality TV shows involving cooking or flipping houses will be replaced by replays of classic NFL football games until we pass out in our armchairs, in our honor.
And like the flag on the Fourth of July, the toilet seat will stay up all day.