"First off, tithing is an important part of the Mormon faith," he said. "When you're in the business of preaching Mormonism, you're asking people to believe that God made His final revelation to a con man in upstate New York in the 1840's, that originally He approved polygamy, then changed his mind about it, and that He originally banned blacks from participation, then changed his mind on that. That's a lot for prospective believers to swallow, so you see why we need that tithe money."
So you're saying God is like Romney—He changes His mind all the time.
"Exactly. That's why Mormons have no problem with Romney being on every side of every issue. But we do need that tithe cheese to carry on our mission, and Mitt hasn't been real generous with it."
Can you give me an example?
"Well, when he was in France, he only used to send us half a stale baguette now and then. Nobody really complained, because he was young and missionaries don't get paid. Then he got his first real job, being head of Bain Capital, and we expected that tithe moolah to start flowing. But it never did. Mitt used to send us notes, saying stuff like "Sorry, not this year. Gave all my money to my kids for allowances," or "Accidentally spent it on my wife's horse. Catch ya on the rebound."
What about when he left Bain for the Salt Lake City Olympics?
"Didn't send in a dime. Claimed he was getting paid in ski lift tickets. When he became governor of Massachusetts, he said those cheap Yankees only gave their governor twelve thousand bucks a year. I wish we'd checked up on that back then, but we just cashed his check for twelve hundred every year, thankful to get something out of him. When his term ran out, he became unemployed, so he said he didn't owe anything. When we called him, trying to get him to cough up, he'd start humming that old Billy Preston song that goes "Nothing from nothing leaves nothing" and hang up on us."
What about his investment income?
"He hid it all in what we Mormon accountants call 'tithe shelters.' Every once in a while he'd admit he'd earned some Swiss francs. Then he'd say, 'Hey, you don't want that funny money.' Or he'd say 'Sorry, guys, all I have this year is Cayman Island pesos.' Even then, he'd ask if there was a special tithing rate for carried interest or dividend income. When we told him no, he'd say 'Well, there ought to be,' and we'd never see a check."
Sounds like you're not even going to vote for Romney for President.
"Oh, we're voting for him, all right. And we're praying that he wins. We know how much the President of the United States makes. We looked it up on Google. The minute he takes the oath of office, we're sending him an invoice."
Maholo once again to Donny "The Other Dude" Ferris for this blog idea