Furthermore, current research has revealed that the biggest waste of time on the Net is Facebook. If you are like me, your Facebook page is full of photos of other people's food, pious little prayers that people want you to pass on because they think you are a sanctimonious dolt like they are, notifications that people who are better-looking than you have changed their profile picture, and challenges like this:
GIVE A NAME THAT STARTS WITH O. 99% WILL FAIL.
Well, Owen. Ophelia. Odrissamar. Does that mean I'm better than 99% of you? Probably, but I had figured that out already, and maybe you had, too.
The other item that people plaster all over my Facebook page are "tests" which purport to answer questions like WHAT KIND OF DOG ARE YOU and WHAT CITY SHOULD YOU LIVE IN? These are always posted by my friends who have taken the test with headlines like I GOT SAN DIEGO—WHAT CITY SHOULD YOU LIVE IN?
I took that test, because I already live in San Diego. The test revealed that I should live in Honolulu, a place I have already lived in as well and already know it was a mistake to move away from. Like I said, a waste of time. In order to reach any conclusions about yourself, you have to answer probing psychological questions. Here is a sample PPQ:
IF A PERSON OF THE SEX YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO SAVED YOU FROM DROWNING, WOULD YOU FEEL OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM?
- Only if they tried to guilt me about it.
- We were already trying to have sex underwater--that's why I was drowning in the first place.
You can't blame people facing eight hours of data entry for saying to themselves "I've just got to find out WHAT KIND OF HANDGUN AM I? before I get back to work," so in the interest of boosting American economic efficiency, I am offering sample "What kind of" quizzes that nobody would ever be tempted to take. Just post these on your Facebook page, and you'll be helping your friends stay on course, career-wise.
WHAT KIND OF DISUSED ITEM STORED IN THE GARAGE ARE YOU?
1. Rusty jack from a vehicle you sold in '09?
2. Half a can of nearly solidified latex paint in canary yellow?
3. One of the one hundred Philips head screwdrivers you find when you are looking for a flathead screwdriver?
4. Plastic tub full of kid's outgrown clothes?
5. Roll of paper towels slowly wicking up a puddle of spilled brake fluid?
IF YOU WERE A PIECE OF WORN DOWN FURNITURE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
1. Beer refrigerator?
2. La-Z-Boy frozen in reclining position?
3. Sand-encrusted beach chair still in car trunk from last summer?
4. Coffee table full of empty wine glasses?
5. Throw rug in the kitchen that dog constantly checks for spilled food?
WHAT SMALLISH RUST BELT CITY WITH LOUSY WEATHER AND A SIGNIFICANT DRUG PROBLEM SHOULD YOU LIVE IN?
- Reading, Pennsylvania
- Ottumwa, Iowa
- Binghamton, New York
- Youngstown, Ohio
- Elkton, Maryland
2. Lactose intolerance?
3. Gluten anything?
4. Peanut Allergy?
5. Sex Addiction?
I'll make up the piercing psychological questions and put them in a later post. In the meantime, stay off Facebook, but if you can't, friend me if you dare.