GOD: How about You quit playing with Your cell phone while We’re trying to eat?
JESUS: Just Googling a few things.
GOD: How about you ask Me instead? Haven’t I told You, I know everything?
JESUS: Yes, You have, Dad. More times than I can count.
MOTHER MARY: Can’t we just eat in peace for once? I spent all afternoon on this meat loaf.
JESUS: You know I don’t like meat loaf. I told you that, when We had it the last time, right after Lincoln was assassinated. Ran into Abe the other day, by the way. Told Me he doesn’t like meat loaf, either. It’s right down there with slavery, in his opinion.
GOD: Leave Your Mother alone. Planning meals for all eternity is rough. Speaking of eternity, when are You going to get around to Your Final Judgement?
JESUS: Not this weekend, for sure. Going to Alpha Centauri with My main squeeze.
GOD: You go there almost every weekend.
MOTHER MARY: With that same little tramp, I might add.
JESUS: (heatedly) You lay off her, okay?
GOD: Your mother is right. We don’t mind the way she dresses. I mean, she used to be a prostitute, so We get it. It’s just that after two thousand years, We think maybe You could find Yourself someone who doesn’t add the phrase “and shit,” at the end of every sentence.
MOTHER MARY: What about that nice Joan girl?
JESUS: Of Arc? Don’t be ridiculous. She still smells like smoke.
GOD: If You’d get down to business, there would be plenty of girls to choose from. 31/2 billion of them, and that’s just the ones that are still alive. You could have Kate Upton.
MOTHER MARY: (sarcastically) Oh, Kate Upton’s going to Heaven? When did You make that decision? Are we going to start having wet t-shirt contests next?
GOD: It was just a for example. So, appearing in glory to judge the living and the dead? Can You put that on Your calendar? How’s Monday sound?
JESUS: Not Monday. I’m not just jumping into this. I need to collect myself.
GOD: You’ve been collecting yourself for millenniums!
JESUS: It’s not like I had the greatest experience there. Me Christ! You try getting crucified. It frigging hurts, man! And lying in some dark, itchy tomb for three days. And coming back from the dead is no picnic. It’s, like, a hundred times more painful than waking up with the worst Jägermeister hangover ever!
MOTHER MARY: I told You it was too much. You could have just let Him stub his toe a few times to redeem all of mankind. But no, it’s all about the show with You.
GOD: (sternly) Don’t play into His crybaby antics. If He's so afraid of pain, why did He get that stupid tattoo? Besides, He goes back there all the time. He appears to Tim Tebow on a regular basis.
JESUS: Hey, I just like fucking with that guy.
GOD: How about when You materialized to Oral Roberts?
JESUS: Seemed a shame to wear that 900-foot tall costume just on Halloween.
GOD: What I’m saying is, quit playing the PTSD card with me! I know when You’re just sandbagging, Mister!
JESUS: (sarcastically) Yeah. Because You know everything, right?
MOTHER MARY: Show some respect for Your Father!
GOD: I give up! I’m going to shitcan the whole thing! Sell the blood for the moon and cancel the lakes of fire! The whole human race can just go on festering forever!
JESUS: Sounds like a plan to Me. (His fingers dart across the surface of His cell phone) I just texted Satan that the whole thing’s off.
GOD: (Yelling) YOU DID WHAT?
JESUS: Just messing with you, Dad. Hey, I got to dig out. Me and MM are heading over to the opening of Gilda Radnor’s new restaurant and…
MOTHER MARY: And what?
JESUS: And shit. (Exits)
MOTHER MARY: No wonder he didn’t want his meat loaf. What are we going to do with that boy?
GOD: I don’t know.
MOTHER MARY: I thought You knew…
GOD: Shut up and pass me His meatloaf.