Mr. Kaku, whose face you may recognize because he appears on one of those science shows on which people with advanced degrees babble on with great enthusiasm about stuff you can barely begin to understand, says the proof of God’s existence lies in the study of “primitive semi-radius tachyons.”
We are going to take his word for that here. The important thing for most religious people, now that God has been discovered to definitely exist, is what religion does he belong to? People have been squabbling and stabbing each other over what God wants them to do since the dawn of the religious era, but now that a scientific determination can be made, there’s no reason not to point the Hubble in the direction of Heaven, and have the Large Hadron Collider pump out as many God particles as possible in the interest of finding out.
There’s a lot of people with skin in this game. Take the Catholics, a personal favorite of this column because we used to be one. Will Papal researchers be able to ascertain that holy water contains, besides small quantities of feces, a bunch of primitive semi-radius tachyons doing a little synchronized swimming in the fount? If so, does this mean that everything Sister told you about sin was true? If so, better make a big list and trip on down to the confessional.
But there’s no scientific reason to think science will find the One True Church to be aptly named, not with so many other contenders out there. Perhaps the tachyons will tap the Mormons on the shoulder, meaning Kaku and his cohorts will discover that God sent an angel to a known con man in upstate New York in the 1840’s and told him it was His will that he be able to marry as many fifteen-year-old girls as he wanted. It doesn’t seem likely, but if that’s what the science says, the next time a couple of twenty-somethings wearing black suits and neckties knock on our door and ask us if we’ve ever heard of Joseph Smith, we’re not letting our Chihuahua bite their pants legs anymore while we laugh and, afterwards, give him treats.
Or maybe God decided 1300 years ago to dictate an extremely boring book to a guy named Mohammed, and then told him to make other people read it, which he discovered they would only do if they had swords pointed at them. This means that both scantily-clad supermodels and pulled pork sandwiches have been taken off the menu of life, and that Heaven is mostly populated by martyrs and virgins. No martyrs or virgins live here, so we’re hoping science doesn’t come down on the side of Islam.
The discovery that Judaism is the faith that the tachyons favor would only benefit 50% of us at this address, so feelings are mixed here concerning this possible development.
What about the Hindus, you say? Well, what about them? Could it be that God has an elephant head? The answer is sure, if He wants to. So don’t count them out, and maybe you ought to quit swearing at the guy who answers the phone at tech support, just to be on the safe side.
Of course, nothing Kaku says disqualifies the Video Game Theory of Existence, explained here, in which God is a hormonal teenage boy angrily cursing the cosmos because he can’t finish the level he’s on because His mom is really on His hiney about doing his homework before dinner.
Nobody wants to see that. All in all it would be safer for everybody if God turned out to belong to some bland Protestant religion that nobody really objects to or really believes in, like Presbyterianism.
Pray for it.