At left, admitted metrosexuals
Piling in on Fox’s semi-recent revelation that President Obama is black, MSNBC commentator Charlie Cook has now pronounced Obama a “metrosexual.”
“People in small towns are not comfortable with Obama because he is a metrosexual,” Cook stated on air.
Veteran political operative Joe Redstate was the first to seize on this new evidence of Obama’s unfitness to be President. “No one wants to see a metrosexual President, especially small town America. The streets, the parks, the churches, the bowling alleys where real Americans live are free of the plague of metrosexuality, and we want them to stay that way.”
What exactly is metrosexuality? No one has admitted to being a metrosexual up until now, except for one English soccer player and the kids on South Park. What makes Obama metrosexual?
“He carries a handbag at all times.”
Are you talking about the “football,” the satchel that contains America’s nuclear launch codes? I think somebody carries it for him.
“Whatever, the point is Obama can’t go anywhere without his ‘manbag.’ Plus he’s extremely well-dressed and well-spoken and his fingernails look suspiciously manicured. Small town Americans are sick of having an intelligent, well-groomed President. They want a rough-hewn man, torn from the rugged heartland of America. They want Mitt 'Marlborough Man' Romney.”
I have never heard “Mitt Romney” and “rough-hewn” in the same sentence before. Aren’t his suits and fingernails just as nice as Obama’s? Plus his teeth look like they cost as much as the New Jersey Turnpike. And I don’t mean driving on it; I mean building it.
"That’s because you don’t know the real Mitt Romney. The real Romney is a man of the land, drawing his strength and inspiration from people with dirt under their fingernails. He only gets dressed up because he’s running for President. He would rather be caked with dirt and beaded with sweat, unlike a certain cool, crisp President we have now. Romney was the hardest working Governor the great Midwestern state of Massachusetts ever had. Apart from inventing universal healthcare that was a good idea there but a socialist disaster everywhere else, a unique achievement that shows what a great President he’s going to be, Romney spent every day as Governor baling hay and chopping wood.”
Romney chops wood? Why no pictures of that?
“He’s actually not chopping much wood right now. But he wears a pair of cufflinks shaped like little axes at all times. And he always wears jeans when he’s campaigning not because he wants to fake being like a regular American instead of a quarter-billionaire that lives in La Jolla but in case he runs across any hay that needs baling at campaign events.”
So you’re message is that while Obama’s shooting hoops, Romney will be splitting rails?
“Now you’re hearing me. The last person we need for President is an effete, Harvard-going type who’s afraid to get his manicured metrosexual hands dirty.”
But Romney went to Harvard, too.
“HARVARD SCHOOL OF AGRICULTURE, buddy. Read the campaign bio.”