Richard Bribiescas, professor of anthropology and deputy provost at Yale University, has written a book called How Men Age, and he is the proponent of the chubby-dads-outlive-us-all theory. It’s his finding that lowering your testosterone levels by having kids gives you a stronger immune system, which helps you fend off the ravages of age and also the 800 or so colds your kid will catch at school and bring home to infect you with throughout the course of his or her educational career.
He doesn’t even say that you have to be a good dad to get this immunological boost, so whether you helicopter over your tyke, transmitting your fear and anxiety over your performance as a parent to his or her little unformed brain like a police searchlight beaming on a burglar in the bushes, or whether you just prop your offspring in the high chair while you clean and oil your guns, you’re still going to outlive the vegan marathon guy next door, as long as you have a bowl of onion dip and a bag of Ruffles by your side.
Bribiescas even says women find fat dads sexier than guys who look like they belong on one of those firemen calendars wearing nothing but suspenders. He compares Seth Rogen to Hugh Jackman, and claims that women really desire Rogen more.
This may be an unfair comparison, since Seth Rogen, being a well-known actor, probably attracts more women than the average beer-gut guy with unpleasantly-placed moles and the same complexion as a can of spackle. These are women who want to be cast in one of his movies, and so they are actresses, women capable of convincing Rogen he is the most desirable man on the planet while grabbing him by his back hair.
It is tough to imagine, however, that when Hugh Jackman is out trolling for sex, women consistently tell him, “Yeah, I saw your abs when you stripped down in X-Men Origins. No thanks. But do you know Jonah Hill?”
They probably have sex with him anyway. Sure, it’s pity sex, according to Professor Bribiescas, but Jackman doesn’t care. He’s a guy. When he’s finished having sex, he’s ready for a nap.
Or to see if there’s any leftover nachos.