The toast of Denver
The author is trying to avoid thinking about the entire football season this year, since both his favorite teams finished 8-8 and out of the playoffs, but it's hard to avoid hearing about born-again QB Tim Tebow. His latest overtime win, over the heavily favored Pittsburgh Steelers featured a "halo" appearing over Denver after the Broncos scored. This led the author to seek out his go-to guy on matters sacred, the Dr. Reverend Oral Willkie, to pose the question: Does Jesus really love Tim Tebow more than He loves the rest of us?
Reverend Willkie: Technically, no, but I saw the halo too. It was perfect, perfectly round, except for the parts that weren't perfectly round, and perfectly circular, except for the parts that were a little bit blown out by those mile-high winds. So I would say technically, no, but possibly maybe. And who could blame Him?
Well, Steelers fans, for one. Does Jesus hate Steelers' fans?
Reverend Willkie. Hate, no. Seriously sick of them, yes. The Steelers have already won five or six Super Bowls and does He get the credit? No, some concussed lug named Roethlisberger does. That's why when millions of Steeler fans were praying for Tim to throw an interception, The Lord had Tebow's back, not theirs.
But doesn't Jesus have more important things to do? What about the war? What about starvation in Somalia? What about disease? What about the people who are praying for their lives at this very moment?
Reverend Willkie: More people starving in Africa…you can't help thinking Jesus might be getting tired of being beseeched about that. Disease? Are you talking lepers? The Lord's got quite a résumé with lepers…go to the source material if you don't believe me. And, sure, there's some guy getting his leg chewed on by a crocodile who's praying hard right at this very moment, but you, I and Jesus all know that yesterday at this time, he was probably looking at dirty pictures on the Internet, so if Jesus wants to say Sorry, buddy, I'm watching the game right now you can hardly blame Him. Frankly, wouldn't you rather listen to the prayers of a handsome young man of considerably athletic prowess and that adorable scruffy beard than Joe Average begging for whatever?
Sounds like there might be an element of sexual attraction there.
Reverend Willkie: Bite, bite, bite your tongue before you say another word. The Lord is immune from fleshly passions. His love for Tebow goes no further than a heavy bromance.
How long has Tebow been tight with the Son of God?
Reverend Willkie: Since he was a mere child. At the age of eleven, before he'd even thrown a touchdown pass, Tim Tebow demonstrated his love for Jesus in many ways. For example, the young Tebow wouldn't even eat a piece of toast unless the image of Our Lord had appeared in it. When he was in college, it got to be a concern for his coaches, who were worried that their star quarterback wasn't getting his minimum daily toast requirement. Luckily, they discovered the Shroud O'Turin Toaster Oven, which burns the image of Jesus into every slice. Tim's been munching prayerfully on toast ever since.
And it looks like he'll need some prayers Sunday, as he and the Broncos go up against Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, who beat them like they were a lingerie football team a couple weeks ago. Will Jesus show Tebow and the Broncos mercy when they play Tom Brady and the powerful Pats tomorrow?
Reverend Willkie: I don't see why not. Tom Brady already got what he was praying for when he married Gisele Bundchen.
I notice you're wearing a Broncos jersey. If Jesus takes Tebow all the way to a Super Bowl win, don't you risk making the rest of the NFL's religious fans into a bunch of embittered atheists?
Reverend Willkie. So be it. Just means more room Up There for me, Him and Tim.