Ainsley asked, “You don’t think that God cares who wins the game, right?”
Kilmeade responded “I’m pretty sure God lets the game just play out,” which seemed to surprise Earhardt.
“I think God is in everything,” Earhardt proclaimed, which was followed by an angelic sound effect.
Ainsley is one of Fox’s interchangeable blondes, attractive women who look great in short dresses with their legs crossed and who probably had to have sex with Roger Ailes to get their jobs, but, unlike most people who were forced to have sex with Ailes, that has not cost Ainsley her faith. God is in everything, she says, on America’s fave cable network, including in the hearts and minds of huge professional athletes who merely think they are being managed by burly, stressed-out men wearing headphones who are desperately trying to outwit each other.
Kilmeade, on the other hand, is a football atheist who probably belongs on MSNBC.
Here, we do not see God having much of an interest in American football, unless He and Jesus bet on it. If they’ve got a little pool going, maybe with Mary, St. Peter, Lucifer and the Holy Ghost, though, all kinds of divine interventions are possible. Was it Jesus who temporarily blinded the referees at the Saints-Rams game, because he had the Rams but the Holy Ghost wouldn’t give him any points? Did Satan arrange for the Patriots to win the coin toss in overtime in their game against the Chiefs? Obviously, because Belichick and Brady long ago sold their souls to him, with Brady driving the harder bargain by getting Gisele Bundchen along with all that Super Bowl hardware.
Ordinarily, you would think that Jesus would always take the Saints on account of their name, but Up High He is thoroughly sick of His saints, a bunch of monks and virgins who are about as much fun as a tonsillectomy, and He hates to be reminded of them. There are teams that everyone in Heaven and Hell dislikes, like the Browns and the Chargers, so they never win anything. St. Peter is an Atlanta fan, and the Falcons' epic giveaway of the Super Bowl to the Pats in 2017 was God’s punishment to him for letting Steve Jobs into Heaven.
Mary, the original passive-aggressive martyr bitch, likes the Carolina Panthers, just because no one else does, and is always threatening to appear in their locker room, because she’s sick of her contract that says she can only appear to groups of small children who don’t speak English. The Holy Ghost claims not to favor any particular team, but all the others say He’s just a bandwagon-jumper.
All this speculation is fascinating, but Fox is just content with wondering whether God determines the result of football games. Even that is beneath their dignity, because as far as we can tell, Fox has never even debated the biggest question about God, i.e., is He white?
You know, like Santa Claus.