Romney denied speaking French, despite spending two years in France as a Mormon missionary. A spokesman for the Romney campaign explained that "Governor Romney did spend two years in France, but spoke only Mormon while he was there."
The Gingrich campaign was not satisfied with that explanation, this reporter discovered, when he interviewed Joseph Redstate, a national organizer for Gingrich.
What's wrong with speaking French? I took two years of French in high school.
REDSTATE: And do you speak French?
REDSTATE: Exactly, because you're a normal, French-hating American. French is not a real language.
It seemed real. Real hard, even.
REDSTATE: How many words of French do you remember?
REDSTATE: That's because French only has four words! All the rest of the time, they just mumble, like they have some of their crumbly cheese in their mouths, and expect you to understand them! Go there if you don't believe me. You'll find out the truth about France, which is that it's not a real country. It's more of a tourist destination, like Disneyland, only for snotty wines and baguettes instead of cool rides. Why do you think they lose all the wars they fight? Could Mickey and Minnie, fine Americans though they are, stand up to a panzer division?
Mickey and Minnie are cartoon characters. French people are real.
REDSTATE: Real put-ons, is what they are. You wake a French guy up in the middle of the night and ask him something quick in English, he'll answer in English, just like everybody else. Go ahead, try it.
No thanks. So you think the Gingrich campaign will rev up again now that Romney's been discovered to be a secret Francophone?
REDSTATE; Here's the real blockbuster—it's not only Romney! All of our opponents are secretly French!
Hard to believe. What about a stalwart, gun-toting American like Rick Perry?
REDSTATE: The most obvious Frenchie of all! You saw the debates, so you know he barely speaks English. It's a little-known fact that France and Texas are about the same size. They both have Spanish-speaking neighbors to the south, and they both contain cities named Paris! It's obvious to any thinking person that being in the governor's mansion in Texas and being the head French honcho in the Louvre are practically the same thing!
The Louvre is an art museum.
REDSTATE: Okay, the Eiffel Tower. Wherever Monsieur Le Big hangs out.
What about isolationist libertarian Ron Paul? He doesn't want to have anything to do with France, or any foreign country, for that matter. He's not French.
REDSTATE: Au contraire. Ron Paul consumes cheese without melting it over something first. Ergo, French. And he's related to Ru Paul, and rue is French for "street."
Hey, you seem to know more than four words of French.
REDSTATE: (coldly) You're full of fromage, buddy.
Rick Santorum—there's no doubt he's a natural, non-French American.
REDSTATE: Santorum eats snails. We've got the pictures. Don't make me show them to you.
So there's hope for the Gingrich campaign?
REDSTATE: Hope? We're talking about inevitable victory, pal. The Republican candidates have long accused each other of being secretly for healthcare, or soft on immigration, or believing in their hearts on the myth of global warming, but nobody but Newt has unleashed a shocker like this! They're all French! On to victory in November against Obama!
Hey, after you guys get the nomination, maybe you can accuse Obama of not being American.
REDSTATE: Now, that's not a bad idea. Wish I'd thought of that.