So, it’s my fault. I knew that.
Before I began the big push to 5,000, which is nearly done, I lingered at around a hundred FB friends for years, mostly people I knew IRL. Yeah, go ahead and Google that if you need to. I had to, the first time I ran across it. I found many of my friends I hadn’t been in touch with for decades, like everybody does. Mostly guy friends, because you girls like to change your surnames, some of you repeatedly.
Some of you guys I never found, either, because you have a name that a lot of other guys have. Are you out there, Dave Thompson and Bill Burke? I don’t know. A couple friends of friends climbed aboard my Facebook train, and I would acquire a new girlfriend occasionally and she would take her seat. They're still there, but I don’t hear much from my exes on FB. They may think I’m a major shitbird. I don’t really want to know that, though, so I’m grateful for their silence.
And I’ve made some new FB friends I consider thoughtful and amusing people, or amusingly deranged, even though I have never met them in real life. I re-post their memes and comment on their posts. The vast majority of you I barely know, however. This column is an effort to explain some of my surlier behaviors to you guys.
First off, if you are not in one of the above two factions and message me with something along the lines of “How are you today?” don’t expect an answer, because my reaction to that is, inevitably, Why the fuck do you care? When I pursue these conversations, I generally find out that you want me to go to your porn site, send money to Africa, or find love from the Philippines. This means that I generally ignore friend requests from attractive young women (especially when I look at our mutual friends and discover they are all male) and any woman with a Filipino name. Also, any guy with an African name. If you’re really starving, sell your smartphone for food. This means I may miss out on attractive girls, Filipino women and African guys who are witty and entertaining and should be on my list. I don’t know how to fix this.
I do not want to play Candy Crush Saga, Pirate Kings, or Sugar Smash. I do not want a free spin on anything. When you request me to help you in Farm Hero, you are requesting the wrong person. I am neither a farmer nor a hero, and have no active plans to become either.
If you message me that the government is giving away free money, you've earned a place on my ex-friends list. If I like and re-post something, it's because I liked it and wanted to re-post it, not because you asked me to. Don't even ask me to like something. I don't like it when you do that.
I also don't participate in "Share If You Know What This Is" memes. I know how old I am. You don't have to.
But if you ask me to like your page, I usually do. I’m sorry I don’t have time to send you all birthday greetings. Consider this birthday regards to all of you whose birthdays I missed and will miss in the future.
A shout out here to my two biggest friend groups—anti-Trumpers and atheists. Many of you are both. I am sincerely anti-Trump. I’m more of an agnostic than an atheist. There could be a God, like maybe in the real universe in which this one is just a computer simulation. There could be, but then He’s not going to be of much help here, and, sure enough, He’s not. And I commit sins against atheism (which is a great concept for another column) like just saying “Thanks,” when someone offers the sneeze-blessing, and saying “God rest his soul,” to those in bereavement, because saying “He (or she) is decomposing in the ground, or possibly having his or her ashes nibbled on by fish in the ocean if you went that way with the remains,” is a bit wordy and not particularly comforting.
But I love you guys, really.
Pretty soon, though, when you ask to be my friend, you’re going to get that message that I’ve reached the friend limit, and possibly experience that as a slight. Get over it, because for sure I’m going to start another page.
And you can be my friend there.