What do you think his strategic thinking is at this point? Duck Iowa, show big in New Hampshire, take a commanding lead on Super Tuesday?
“It’s way too early for Jeb to start thinking like that. What he’s going to do first with his massive influx of campaign cheese is change his name. It’s only a few bucks at the court house, but we’re talking complete re-branding here. In fact, that’s one of the names he’s considering. Jeb Rebrand.”
Has a ring to it, I guess. But people are still going to remember he’s a Bush.
“That’s the sort of negative thinking Jeb's homies are dismissing with a wave of their diamond-encrusted pinky rings. America is all about the second act, not about the second name. With over a hundred million bucks in his wallet, Jeb is confident he can convince a majority of American voters come November of next year that he is entirely unrelated to the rest of his family.”
That’s a tall order, Joe. What’s Bush going to call himself?
“Well, the possibilities are endless. He could go for something simple, homespun, and easy to spell. ‘Jeb Jebby’ has been tossed around. Or ‘Jeb Jebber.”
Have you considered “Jebber the Hutt?”
“Sure. And the Star Wars character does poll marginally better than Jeb’s brother. But we think we can hit a home run here. We’re considering something moody and romantic. ‘Jeb Danger,’ for example. Or even a little more noire-ish—‘Jeb Dark.’
Or "Bush Light?"
“You’re not getting the point at all and besides, I’m pretty sure that is a kind of beer. We’re also considering names like ‘Jebby Rebel’ or ‘Jeb Rogue’ to emphasize the candidate’s resume as a Washington outsider, determined to lay waste to all those bloated, inside-the-beltway bureaucracies that all the voters hate except when they get checks from them.”
Washington outsider? Hasn’t Jeb’s family worked for the government on and off since the 1940’s?
“WHAT FAMILY? Are you feeling me? The most forward thinking from the Super Pac..."
That's another thing, Joe. The name of the Bush Super Pac is "Right to Rise." Sounds like an organization that wants to give out free Viagra.
"And you think that's a bad campaign promise? As long as those Mexican rapists don't get their hands on it. But I'm getting ahead of myself. The idea men are thinking that we drop the last name altogether. Just ‘Jeb’ is the way the campaign rolls out. Who needs a surname? Not Madonna. Not Prince. Not Adele. Not Lady Gaga.”
So, Lord Jeb?
“Has a classy sound to it, but no. Just Jeb.” At this point, Joe whipped out a string instrument and began to sing “Come and listen to a story about a man named Jeb…”
I didn’t know you could play, Joe.
“A hundred million buys a lot of banjo lessons, pal.”