These people think that kids who are "sexually confused" make the "choice" to be gay because of Lady Gaga encouraging them to accept themselves, instead of hating themselves, concealing their sexuality from their families, wordlessly enduring bullying from their peers, and eventually closeting themselves in a bitterly disappointing marriages and being thought of as "normal," or running away to some large metro area as soon as they can and cutting all ties with their hometowns forever, which is the way these Christians think that gays ought to behave.
Meanwhile, if you like soggy fried chicken wads soaked with pickle juice and accompanied by "waffle fries," which taste neither like waffles nor fries, but rather like little holey pieces of particle board, more than you like gays you can rest assured that Chic-fil-A is your kind of place.
Both of these corporations are out of the closet, but what about the myriad others whose products we consume every day? Since the Supreme Court has decided that corporations are people, too, the next logical question is, are they straight or gay people? The quick guide below barely scratches the surface of this question, but it forms a much-needed basis for the reader to make his or her own decisions:
Wal-Mart—Sells guns. Straight. K-Mart—no guns. Gay.
Hershey's—made in Hershey, PA. Straight. Nestle's—headquartered in Switzerland. Gay.
Levi's Jeans--Straight. Wranglers—perfect for climbing Brokeback Mountain.
Budweiser—straight. St. Pauli Girl—do you have to ask?
Microsoft—confusing, messy, and only works after many bootings. Straight. Apple—rigidly controlling, but always tasteful. Gay.
Mrs Paul's--Straight. Chicken of the Sea—what do you think?
Boeing—straight. Airbus—gay, and Eurotrash, too.
Domino's Pizza—straight, and like Chic-Fil-A, also permeated with icky Christian righteousness. Papa John's…just look at the guy. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Burger King—devoted to man food; meat, cheese and grease. Straight. Subway—only makes healthy sandwiches in the shape of a phallus. Gay.
Fox News…dominated by male bloviators like Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly—straight. MSNBC…ruled by Rachel Maddow, who comes off as a tougher guy than all of them put together—gay.
Dunkin' Donuts—the mere act of "dunkin" a donut, leaving your morning joe swirling with bits of soggy cruller, is irretrievably heterosexual. Starbucks—you need to say 'venti' instead of "large" to get what you want. Gay.
You see? Almost all corporations are easily categorized. Whole industries can be identified as straight or gay. Like the department store industry, uniformly gay except for Sears, and the American auto industry, almost all straight, except for the now defunct American Motors. Those guys used to make a car called the Matador.
I mean, calling it the Gladiator would have been worse, but it's still a little swishy.