What is our biggest domestic problem?
- Income inequality
- Gun violence
- Price of cable TV keeps going up
- Walmart smiley face has gone bilingual
What is our biggest international problem?
- Controlling carbon emissions so we don't roast the planet
- Spurring economic growth in the Third World so they don't rise up and kill us
- There are still foreigners out there that are not afraid that if they diss us, we'll kick the shit out of them, every time. We need to find them and kick the shit out of them.
Who would be on your ideal Presidential ticket?
- Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren
- Third term for Obama and Biden!
- Hillary and Bill Clinton
- Donald Trump and Carly Fiorina, after she's had some work done so she looks more like a President and less like a Triple Crown winner
- The all-Ted ticket—Cruz and Nugent!
How would you describe the current state of race relations in the US?
- Bad, and it's all a result of out terrifying history of slavery and segregation
- Improving, but we've still got a way to go.
- Jay-Z and Beyonce are doing all right. Celebrities are the only black people I ever worry about.
- People who marry interracially need to think about their children
- Bad, and it's all on account of Obama
What store have you shopped at most frequently in the last week?
- Whole Foods
- Slick's Liquor and Ammo
What answer closely describes your reaction to seeing an attractive unclothed member of the opposite sex on the Internet?
- Another sad example of the objectification that saturates our shameless media
- Is this a whole slideshow?
What do you do on a typical Sunday?
- Rescue dogs
- Get outside and enjoy nature
- Watch football. If it's not football season, watch something else, but wish it was football.
- It's all day in the basement shooting range!
Who is your favorite popular musician(s) of all time?
- Humpback whales
- The Ramones
- Jay Z and Beyonce
- Merle Haggard
What's your favorite movie ever?
- Citizen Kane, because pretending it doesn't bore the crap out of me is my sacrifice to the Earth Goddess
- Groundhog Day
- Anything with "Batman," "Spiderman" or "Star Wars" in the title.
- Joe Dirt
- Any movie with Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal killing people, especially Asians, one after the other from the opening scene to when the credits roll.
What's your favorite book?
- Anything by Deepak Chopra or Dr. Oz
- Katy Perry's autobiography
- Does that include comic books?
SCORING: Give yourself the number that corresponds to the number of the answer you marked for each question. Add them up to get your total.
10-15—You're an obsessive liberal, a politically correct pain in the ass who annoys everybody you talk to. You're at least a vegetarian, if not a vegan. If you came into possession of a gun, you would immediately give it away to a minority person so they could defend themselves against the police. You don't have any black friends because you are afraid you would inadvertently oppress them.
15-25—You're liberal, but you really don't care what kind of life the chicken in your sandwich had before it was deep-fried and served to you. If you have a good reason to have a gun, you keep it in a locked gun cabinet. You have black friends if you work or live around them.
26-35—You like to think you're a middle-of-the-road moderate, but the truth is you're a People Magazine-reading nincompoop who would probably call a doctor if you ever had an original thought. You have one gun, which you keep in your nightstand. Your kids have black friends. That's close enough for you.
36-45—You're a conservative because all your friends are. You have lost count of the guns you have, but you know you lost at least three when your spouse donated the couch to your church, because there were at least that many stuffed between its cushions. You have black friends if any black people go to the same church as you.
Over 45—You're a sovereign citizen, possibly even an Oath Keeper. Every structure in your compound has an armory and an ammunition depot. You don't have any black friends because you don't want to have to kill your friends when the inevitable race war starts.
I got a 22. That may surprise my critics, but the fact is I really like Dethklok. Feel free to post your own score.