A source from the Russian embassy, who insisted on anonymity because, as he said, “My flight to Moscow doesn’t leave until midnight, and I don’t want any FBI agents to have to stay up late nosing around a smelly old terminal at Dulles on my account,” insisted that Russia cut the checks to Cohen just because, “We really dig Michael Cohen. The guy is just a mensch. If he lived in Russia instead of here, he would be Boy Oligarch of the Year every year. For sure.
“The guy can totally write a threatening letter. That’s what caught the boss’s eye. I mean the letter he wrote to Yale, threatening them if they ever went public with their rejection of young Trump’s application to their school, was just a work of art. Yale’s reaction to Trump’s request to be admitted there was basically ROTFLOAF (rolling on the floor laughing our asses off). Cohen told them if that ever leaked, they’d never be able to get a taxi in New York again. After that, it was crickets from Yale.
“So, we hired him to write a couple threatening letters. He wrote one to the Ukraine, but we had to invade them anyway. We didn’t hold that against Cohen. Because we already had him write one to Angela Merkel telling her to STFU up the gas pipeline she’s been whining for, and to John Podesta, threatening to put his password on Reddit.
“When Cohen started lying to Congress, that’s when the boss really started to warm up to him, because Comrade Putin’s motto is, “I’ll lie to anybody’s Congress, including my own, even though I don’t really have to, because I can have them poisoned instead.
“So, you see, it’s all about our appreciation for Michael Cohen. We didn’t give him the half mil to pass on information about Trump that we could use blackmail him once he became President. That’s just fake news. And nobody’s mad at him in Moscow because he turned state’s evidence and implicated everybody in Trump’s orbit this side of Stormy Daniels in some kind of felony. It will definitely be a coincidence if he turns out to be the only inmate in his prison that has a small amount of radioactive materials mixed in with his chow every day. It won’t be Russia condemning him to a horrifying slow death, that’s for sure. People need to think it might be Hillary Clinton, still trying to cover up Uranium One. Everybody at the Kremlin knows she gets all the free radioactive Splenda she wants.
“Why doesn’t the media cover that?”