He blamed the loss on "voter suppression," charging that Democratic claims that Mitt Romney apparently cheated on his taxes, was a heartless corporate raider, changed his positions more eagerly than a porn star and lied incessantly into any microphone thrust in front of him discouraged millions of potential Republican voters from marking their ballots for Mitt.
True, the Democrats made sure we didn't forget that Romney did all those things, but he did do them. It is not the job of your political opponents to point out nice things about you, like you have eighteen grandchildren or give millions to Mormon charities. You have to do that yourself, even if you might be slightly afraid of admitting you were a Mormon, for example, which Romney always seemed to be.
Let me say, in a spirit of generosity, that there is nothing that makes Mormonism any better or worse than other religions, except its flagrantly bogus origin story. And they have a nice choir. I have often wanted to contract with the choir in order to promote one of my brainstorms, a YouTube channel which would feature the Mormon Tabernacle Choir covering tunes by Jim Morrison and the Doors. Here are some sample Doors lyrics, from their classic "Roadhouse Blues:"
I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer
Yeah I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer
The future is uncertain and the end is always near
I want to see that song sung by fifty sweet-voiced women in white robes and I think the rest of the world does, too.
But I digress. What I want to point out is real voter suppression practiced by unscrupulous Democrats, unknown to Karl Rove. In my own polling place, right before my unbelieving eyes. I'm talking about natural, God-loving Republicans being forced to vote under the gay flag.
The picture speaks for itself. I showed up at my regular polling place, underneath City Hall, a perfectly standard place to cast my ballot, and was told I could no longer vote there. I had to vote at a gay place. Actually, they just gave me the address, which turned out to be a gay place, the local LGBT Community Center. Not only was it draped with rainbow flags but the neighboring T-shirt shop had, in violation of election law, put an Obama t-shirt on each end of its outside rack of merchandise.
How do you expect a Republican to vote under these circumstances? To endorse by their franchise-exercising presence some openly gay premises? Homosexuals who, instead of being gay the Republican way by remaining discretely closeted, or, even better, entangling themselves and some unfortunate other in some gruesome sham marriage, parading their lack of shame in their own existences in a storefront that on Election Day turns into a public polling place? And they don't even have to redecorate?
It wouldn't happen in Alabama. No doubt at least some Republicans looked at the gay display and said "Screw voting. Let's just go get some Chic-fil-A."
I'm not a Republican, so I just went in and voted anyway. Here we use paper ballots. You fill a little oval next to your choice like it was an SAT test. They gave me one of those annoying, double-tipped felt markers to use. Naturally, in my haste to promote democracy, I took both caps off the thing and got marker all over my hands. I asked to use the washroom to scrub the ink off. The LGBT'ers allowed me. In the bathroom was a gigantic bowl of free condoms. I took three.
So Obama got my vote in exchange for three condoms. If Karl Rove could buy votes that cheap, he'd still be in business.