PictureIn Virginia, at least as far as the state line.
Ken Cuccinelli, currently running as the Republican  candidate for Governor of Virginia has made reinstating Virginia's Crimes Against Nature law, which forbids all Virginia citizens from having oral sex with one another, part of his campaign platform.

As when Florida finally succeeded in banning sex with goats, this progressive legislation is long overdue. It's been common knowledge for years that Virginians are lousy at oral sex. No one would actually want to get oral sex from a resident of the state. This statute just formalizes what the rest of the nation already knows: if you're in Virginia and craving oral sex, or "noggin," as it is informally known, you had better get in your wheels and start counting down those mileage markers on the interstate. Maryland, Kentucky and North Carolina all offer succor to the pilgrim after oral bliss, and also better firecrackers.

What accounts for the lack of oral talent in Virginia? Legend has it that Grant told Lee at Appomattox that in addition to giving up the Confederacy, the South was going to be required to refrain from oral sex as part of the surrender, and then passed out drunk before he could tell the Confederate commander he was just kidding. Lee gave the news to Jefferson Davis, who said, like the rest of the defeated rebels, "Intercourse that! Those damn Yankees aren't going to keep the South off its knees! What, are they going to have some kind of sex police?" and oral sexing continued in the rest of Dixie, but in Virginia, the idea of sex police apparently appealed to many of the citizens and most of all to Ken Cuccinelli. As Attorney General he fought against the overturning of the Crimes Against Nature law by some daft judge who thought Virginians who wanted to have oral sex should be allowed to. The judge, a Virginia resident as well, wrote "They need the practice," in his ruling.

Cuccinelli himself insists that if he gets his way as far as keeping the bj a nay-nay in VA, he will not enforce the law, out of respect for the personal privacy that he does not really believe you should have. This is the like strapping someone in an electric chair and telling him to trust you not to turn on the juice. People convicted under the law would become registered sex offenders, with all the problems that entails—being on a public list, having to triangulate a place to live that is at least a thousand yards from any church, school or liquor store and telling all their neighbors that they were convicted of committing an oral sex act.

Of course, in Virginia, that actually might make them more popular.


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Comments

Matt
07/23/2013 18:44

Many Virginians can be in NC in less than an hour. Grab the iPhone and have Siri point you to the nearest massage location. You can tell when you've hit the border by noticing the first of many legal, small, but truly patriotic hard working businesses you see that advertise(exclusively in neon) "All Girl Staff" Pretty sure they won't check your state of origin

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