Straightened Wilbur out
A news item concerning the Reverend Raymond Bell, of the Cowboy Church of Virginia, from the Gay Star News:

Bell claims that the use of Equine Assisted Psychotherapy, or sessions involving the stroking of horses, can aid in the "curing" of maladies and "addictions" like homosexuality.

"EAP can help any person who is living the homosexual lifestyle or involved in it in any way,"  Bell says.

Though it isn't clear exactly how EAP works to rid a gay person of their "affliction,"  it can supposedly make gay men more masculine and that it is used to "identify how a person got 'involved' in homosexuality to begin with... for example, because of rape, abandonment, lacking a male role model, abuse and having low self-esteem."

The Reverend believes that stroking horses results in a cessation of same-sex attraction. He does not say for how long, or perhaps more to the point, where the horses are to be stroked, but, details aside, the Cowboy Church has obviously added a powerful weapon to the arsenal of religions determined to wipe out homosexuality. Previously, these efforts had been limited to three main processes:

Catholic Church—STOW THE GAY AWAY, meaning put the gay individual in a monastery or convent, swear him or her to celibacy and turn out the lights.

Mainstream Evangelicalism--PRAY THE GAY AWAY, meaning constantly harassing the gay person into begging the Almighty to change his or her essential nature, until that person finally breaks down and marries a person of the opposite sex, rendering both of them miserable until one of them bolts away for a large, anonymous metropolis.

Westboro Baptist Church—SLAY THE GAY AWAY. Pretty obvious, except that like all Americans in this spoiled and whiny century, they expect the government to do their work for them.

Now we have STROKE THE GAY AWAY. Just the name is bound to inspire gays who want to be cured.

The history of horses and human sexuality is a short but tormented one. Alexander the Great's preferred lover was said to be his horse Bucephalus, and it is also said he mourned the death of this magnificent steed more than the passing of any other man, woman or livestock item he ever had sex with. Which were a lot. Apparently, Alexander set out to conquer the world in more ways than one. Then there was Catherine the Great, who was rumored to have passed away by the unfortunate accident of being crushed to death by the weight of a stallion that she had ordered suspended over her for recreational purposes.

The lesson here is that horses are attracted to people who have abandoned their regular surnames in favor of 'the Great,” so keep that in mind when selecting an alias.

The good work that equines have done in maintaining heterosexuality in the modern age is only apparent in the light of the Reverend Bell's discovery. Roy Roger's steadfast marriage to Dale Evans, never once marred by Roy romping in the paddock with some sinewy young stablehand, was no doubt made possible by his manly affection for Trigger. The presence of his beloved Silver was enough to keep the Lone Ranger from whispering "Hi Ho Tonto," in his sleeping Indian companion's ear on all the lonely nights they camped together under the West's starry skies.

And what of the most celebrated horse of this or any other century, the famous Mr. Ed? A mere glance at Wilbur by a trained psychologist would be enough for him or her to see that rape, abandonment, abuse and lacking a male role model were prominent features of his character. Yet he and Connie maintained a lusty heterosexual relationship, thanks to the continuous counsel of Ed.

It's just too bad Gomer Pyle didn't have a horse.

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