A meeting of the Trump Cabinet. Trump is narfing down a massive cheeseburger while all of his Cabinet members are desperately trying to come up with new ways to massage his ego. It’s Pete Hegseth’s turn.
PETE HEGSETH: (Secretary of Defense) My fourth child from my third wife is four, sir, and she just told me last night that you were the “Goodest” President ever.
TRUMP: I like that. I’m gonna Truth that. How do you spell “goodest” in all caps? (Takes massive bite of cheeseburger right before grabbing his phone with both hands. The tomato topping slides all the way to the back of his throat, forcing a gob of melty cheese down the Presidential windpipe. Trump begins to choke. The Cabinet remains respectfully silent, for a moment)
MARCO RUBIO, Secretary of State: (worshipfully) That is a genius shade of blue you are turning, sir. Those Democrats will never admit that blue is a complimentary color to orange.
ROBERT KENNEDY, Jr (Secretary of Health and Human Services): Being Covid vaccinated, as you unfortunately are, sir. can cause swallowing problems later in life. There was a study done in a swamp in Sumatra…
DOUG BURGUM (Secretary of the Interior): He can’t breathe, man! Somebody help him!
TULSI GABBARD (Intelligence Director): I think he would be angry if we tried to save him from a mere cheeseburger, after he survived an assassination attempt. Only he can do it, as he likes to say.
SEAN DUFFY (Transportation Secretary): He meant getting Gaza bulldozed for beachfront property, you idiot! Not coughing up a cheeseburger! Somebody use the Heimlich Maneuver!
HOWARD LUDNICK (Secretary of Commerce): You do it, Duffy. I’m a tariff guy, not a doctor.
DUFFY: I’ve been on a plane circling Newark for the last six hours. Can’t you see I’m on Zoom, man? Somebody help the President. Kennedy, you’re Secretary of Health!
KENNEDY: This Heimlich—what’s his position on fluoride in Florida?
DUFFY: Bondi, you’re sitting next to him!
PAM BONDI (Attorney General): I’m preparing an indictment against whoever made that cheeseburger. Was Springsteen involved, you think? Didn’t he write a song about a cheeseburger?
LUDNICK: That was Jimmy Buffet, you airhead. No wonder they call you Law and Order Barbie.
BONDI: Then probably some illegal Venezuelan. So, we can blame you, Noem, for letting those cheeseburger-cooking monsters into the country. You Heimlich him.
KRISTI NOEM (Homeland Security): Sorry—just got my nails painted to match my machine gun. Linda, you’ve got a WWE background—wrestle it out of him!
LINDA MCMAHON (Secretary of Education): I’ll hit him in the back with a folding chair. (Does so. Trump wheezing out his last) Doesn’t look like it helped.
DUFFY: FOR GOD’S SAKE SOMEBODY HEIMLICH HIM!
RUBIO: This Heimlich Maneuver—was Heimlich a US citizen? (Everybody shrugs) I think we'd better all agree to call it the American Maneuver, then. Vance, why are you just sitting there, grinning? AND IS THAT 'HAIL TO THE CHIEF' YOU'RE HUMMING?
JD VANCE: Sorry—I was just wondering where McMahon got that folding chair.
Suddenly Trump coughs up the rest of the burger. Chewed cheeseburger spews over most of the room, hitting various Cabinet members’ right in their Botoxed faces.
THE CABINET: (In unison, muttering) Thank you, sir.
TRUMP: (picking up phone again) “Goodest”—begins with a “G,” right?
PETE HEGSETH: (Secretary of Defense) My fourth child from my third wife is four, sir, and she just told me last night that you were the “Goodest” President ever.
TRUMP: I like that. I’m gonna Truth that. How do you spell “goodest” in all caps? (Takes massive bite of cheeseburger right before grabbing his phone with both hands. The tomato topping slides all the way to the back of his throat, forcing a gob of melty cheese down the Presidential windpipe. Trump begins to choke. The Cabinet remains respectfully silent, for a moment)
MARCO RUBIO, Secretary of State: (worshipfully) That is a genius shade of blue you are turning, sir. Those Democrats will never admit that blue is a complimentary color to orange.
ROBERT KENNEDY, Jr (Secretary of Health and Human Services): Being Covid vaccinated, as you unfortunately are, sir. can cause swallowing problems later in life. There was a study done in a swamp in Sumatra…
DOUG BURGUM (Secretary of the Interior): He can’t breathe, man! Somebody help him!
TULSI GABBARD (Intelligence Director): I think he would be angry if we tried to save him from a mere cheeseburger, after he survived an assassination attempt. Only he can do it, as he likes to say.
SEAN DUFFY (Transportation Secretary): He meant getting Gaza bulldozed for beachfront property, you idiot! Not coughing up a cheeseburger! Somebody use the Heimlich Maneuver!
HOWARD LUDNICK (Secretary of Commerce): You do it, Duffy. I’m a tariff guy, not a doctor.
DUFFY: I’ve been on a plane circling Newark for the last six hours. Can’t you see I’m on Zoom, man? Somebody help the President. Kennedy, you’re Secretary of Health!
KENNEDY: This Heimlich—what’s his position on fluoride in Florida?
DUFFY: Bondi, you’re sitting next to him!
PAM BONDI (Attorney General): I’m preparing an indictment against whoever made that cheeseburger. Was Springsteen involved, you think? Didn’t he write a song about a cheeseburger?
LUDNICK: That was Jimmy Buffet, you airhead. No wonder they call you Law and Order Barbie.
BONDI: Then probably some illegal Venezuelan. So, we can blame you, Noem, for letting those cheeseburger-cooking monsters into the country. You Heimlich him.
KRISTI NOEM (Homeland Security): Sorry—just got my nails painted to match my machine gun. Linda, you’ve got a WWE background—wrestle it out of him!
LINDA MCMAHON (Secretary of Education): I’ll hit him in the back with a folding chair. (Does so. Trump wheezing out his last) Doesn’t look like it helped.
DUFFY: FOR GOD’S SAKE SOMEBODY HEIMLICH HIM!
RUBIO: This Heimlich Maneuver—was Heimlich a US citizen? (Everybody shrugs) I think we'd better all agree to call it the American Maneuver, then. Vance, why are you just sitting there, grinning? AND IS THAT 'HAIL TO THE CHIEF' YOU'RE HUMMING?
JD VANCE: Sorry—I was just wondering where McMahon got that folding chair.
Suddenly Trump coughs up the rest of the burger. Chewed cheeseburger spews over most of the room, hitting various Cabinet members’ right in their Botoxed faces.
THE CABINET: (In unison, muttering) Thank you, sir.
TRUMP: (picking up phone again) “Goodest”—begins with a “G,” right?
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